Lifeguard
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Nothing gets me more than the thought of Karma angsting for Amy all summer long atop her lonely lifeguard stand…
1. Chapter 1

**Lifeguard**

Amy's been gone a few weeks now. I've tried to understand why she did what she did but I really can't piece it together. This isn't like her. She's been pulling away from me ever since she told me she loved me. On the one hand I understand it, on the other I feel irrational and selfish and I just wish she could still be my Amy because I really need her right now.

That sounds selfish. It is selfish. We used to need each other though. There used to be a time when we were both ridiculously selfish for each other. Somewhere along the line she stopped needing me and started wanting me. That's where things got hard.

And then I went and fucked everything up at that party.

So now I'm here alone, every day. I'm trying to work through what happened without her but that really is impossible, I'm not good enough for her. I know I'm not.

Almost every day now I sit up in my tower and watch the swimmers swim.

I locked-in the morning shifts because nobody else wants them. It guarantees me hours and the shifts are just generally so calm that it's like some form of random therapy I'm forcing myself to take.

On most days no one comes in until late. There's been this one girl who comes in at the same time every day and swims all alone for a very long time. Occasionally she'll stop at the end of the pool and just stare out at nothing. I can tell she's thinking about things like I am. I'm actually curious about her life. I wish I knew why she swam alone at 5am every day. I wish I knew where she went right after. I wish I knew if she was lonely like me.

Instead of being a creep though, I watch her body as it moves from one side of the pool to the next. I hold my lifeguarding tube at the ready just in case I should ever need to save her. But I know she doesn't need saving. I know it'd be more likely for her to save me from something than for me to save her. And yet, every day, for at least two hours, it's my job, just to save her, just her.

Today's no different. She comes in and I look up from the table where I wait before the swimmers come. Often I read when there's no one around. Soon as someone comes into my area I have to be alert.

I brush my hand through my hair and acknowledge her while trying to be cool and a non-annoyance. It hasn't failed to cross my mind that perhaps she doesn't want to really talk or see anyone on these mornings. I give her that. A wordless nod and a serious face that translates the message, I am here for you and I am brave.

As she walks to the other end of the pool I walk to my lifeguard stand, grab my tube, and climb the tower.

She stretches and I watch. She's not even in the pool yet I watch.

I can feel her noticing my eyes. I can feel her choosing to pretend I'm not here only for her.

She places her hands on the pools edge, leans back and throws herself in with a well-practiced dive.

She's just like Amy…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

 **Old And New Routines**

Shane has been a bit hard to dislike lately. At first he was mad at me for being a lifeguard but it's not like we discussed it before-hand or anything. How was I supposed to know he was going to work where I was going to work for the summer? We've never exactly been pals. Plus, despite what he may think, Amy actually doesn't tell me everything about her life, especially lately. I had to explain that to him. He assumed she told me and that I was specifically trying to ruin his summer. Sometimes the only reason I know certain things about Amy's life is because I'm in her room and I peek into her diary but then I have to pretend I didn't do that, because that's kind of shitty, eventhough we have no secrets. Not to mention she reads my diary all the time right in front of me. Boundaries are strange with us, we didn't used to have them. I still don't even want them. Things change. She's changed.

Days like today, I know I'm on Shane's good side. We rarely work together but I've taken a few shifts for him and that's sort of helped him to not hate me for whatever reason. I also think he's missing Amy though… Maybe we're helping each other with that? I don't know.

We switched shifts today and I'm sad because instead of keeping my mystery swimmer safe I'm watching a bunch of horrible kids. I even like kids so that's saying a lot. These ones are purposely fucking with me. Shane told me that I should yell at him. He demonstrated even but I can't bring myself to have that much strength so I'm just watching and hope they don't really drown.

They're doing that dead-man's float thing we all did as kids. It's hard to even blame them is all I'm saying, Amy and I used to do that shit all the time. Only, we did it in our own pool where there was no lifeguard to harass and stress out.

Amy posted pictures from last night on facebook and I don't think I've ever felt this helpless in my life. It looks like Reagan found a way out there, most likely to join in on the tour. She was in half of Amy's pictures and they looked really really happy. Not to say that they're dating. They're probably not dating. But I can't help but wonder if maybe they hooked up or something like that. Something in Amy's face spelled of overwhelming elation. She had that face a lot while dating Reagan. I remember it was hard to see because on the one hand I was happy she was happy and on the other I knew that it wasn't me giving her those feelings and I really always wanted to make her feel as happy as she could ever feel. It's really hard to describe. It's almost like I hated not knowing what exactly went into that smile and I hated that I was in no way a part of it.

It's weird going home in Amy's red sweater with the smell of her and of chlorine all about me. I feel like I'm being forced to start over, like I'm going back to 6th grade when we had that big fight once and I thought for sure she'd be done putting up with me. But this fight is so much worse than that one was and the loneliness is already getting to me. It's not even that I'm alone, it's that I'm without. And it's not that I'm without a person, it's that I'm without her, specifically her. No one else can ever come close to filling her shoes. No one else can ever understand me the way she does and know everything about me and read between all my ugly little lines. Amy's always been this god-like creature in my life, she's always been my safety, my salvation. No matter what happened in my life I used to know that she would always be there at the end of the day. She was my person and now she's not here…

Leaving work gives no thrill. Being home, in the backyard with my parents, likewise, gives me no thrill. I live in fear. I live with a lump in my throat. I live knowing I fucked up but not enough to be earning of the cost. I'm half angry, half wounded. More than anything I just wish I could talk to her but I know that I shouldn't so I stop myself.

What hurts the most though is that she doesn't try either…

She's making it impossible for me to see this as anything other than a punishment…


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Unexpected Things**

I caved last night and text Amy. It was simple. All I could bring myself to send was, _**I miss you.**_

My heart burned at her response and then the dead-space and silence that soon accompanied it.

I didn't have to wait more than 3 minutes for her to text back, _**miss you too.**_

Plain as ever. No emoji. No ellipses. No exclamation. Amy's texts have life, they usually sound like here, they usually express so much more than just three words that could be said by anyone. But that was all she sent and nothing more. It wasn't like her. My Amy wasn't home.

After that? Silence, silence, silence.

I clung to my phone and waited.

I hoped that maybe she was thinking too hard and trying to say the right thing. I would've done that if she had texted me. I would've agonized over what was right to say and what was wrong. I would've sat with my phone in hand typing things and then erasing them over and over.

I thought about Amy thinking of that. I thought of her thinking about the right thing to say.

I had no idea what the right thing could possibly be but I thought of her thinking of it and I loved that at least for a second I could fool myself into thinking that she might've been thinking about me instead of doing anything else..

But the truth prevailed.

Nothing else came.

And because of that nothing I felt instant hopelessness. I felt sad.

There was only so long I could pretend that maybe Amy was thinking about texting me back.

After that time I had to let it go again, had to let her be gone.

Doesn't mean I'm still not plagued by that.

I just wish I knew what she wanted me to do.

Thinking that she'd rather I be dead than living is really starting to set in, it's really starting to take over my mind. Amy completely left town. She didn't say: "don't come over Karma, I don't want to see you." SHE LEFT TOWN! There was no warning. No trial period. The only reason we said goodbye was because I snuck up on her and practically stalked her. I caught her. She was escaping. She was running. And I caught her.

I just don't get how she could go from being completely in love with me to wanting nothing to do with me at all. Then I think about Liam and how I treat him and I sort of get an idea in my mind, maybe she really is just sick of me…

Oh well… If I think about it too much I might break myself. I can't do that. I have to take it in small bursts. That's all I can handle. It's a good thing I have something to do. Otherwise I'd just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. My life has just sort of be stolen from me somehow. I have no meaning really, I'm just living and pretending it doesn't constantly hurt to be here alone.

With the exception of yesterday, my job has been good. But I'm fully aware that without Amy my expectations for what's good have become extremely low. Early shifts have been nice. The gas station near work has large 99 cent coffees and my mom has been experimenting in Principal Turner's oven, baking up a storm now that it seems Principal Turner is also out-of-work for the summer and in the same depressing boat as her only with the guarantee of a less impressive job at Hester come fall.

Ever since Turner got demoted and Felix went to rehab my whole family has been in the old house a lot more on the weeks when they're in town (they travel a lot in summer to sell their goods at all the outdoor street-fairs nearby, they have a lot of friends trying to help). Turner has insisted that Felix doesn't mind me using his room and my parents have set up a room of their own in the garage. But Turner seems lonely and if anything he's loosened up a little since the demotion. Okay, he's actually loosened up a lot and it's a little bit creepy. Without Felix around and his job to keep him serious, Turner has absolutely no reason to act like an adult. He's given up more than I have. He rarely showers and sometimes he's not even up by the time I get home. And he hardly ever leaves the house and he's taken to wearing the same ugly robe on most days. I went and visited Felix last week and told him all about it and he seemed amused but not at all surprised. He said his dad wasn't always this strict. That he changed after his mom died and then he snapped out of it and tried to pretend it never happened but Felix remembered it, he remembered not being fed and seen and loved like a normal kid.

There's a lot going on.

I'm glad for Shane and even for Turner and for Felix for sure.

But now is a different time. Now's my work time, my thinking time. I have my fresh NOT-SO-SPECIAL muffin and my uber-cheap coffee and an empty pool area all to myself. I got to work early and swam a few laps in the empty pool. The whole time I swam I thought of Amy. I raced through the water, just like she would, and I found myself almost scared to stop. Fear and anger seemed to push me on but then I heard a noise and had to stop altogether and come up for air. It was surprising. Just the sound of that heavy locker-room door.

It was her… The mysterious girl. I swam to the edge with my head-up above water and I pulled myself swiftly up to the side of the pool.

"Sorry, I was just-"

"You're good," she said, her gaze dropping. "And here I thought maybe you were just here for decoration."

"Hey," I scoffed but I smiled.

"You're just always so serious and you never speak," the woman said. She dropped her bag at the side of the wall and began to take her clothes off. "And you _**are**_ pretty," she confessed but she was purposely looking away from me.

"I didn't want to disturb your morning," I said, standing up and preparing myself to be her guard.

"Why do you care about my morning?" The girl asked. She seemed so much older than me somehow when she spoke. She was so sure of herself. She didn't care.

"Kinda have to," I said. "It's my job."

"Not really," the girl said walking close to me.

"Okay…" I said, feeling ruffled. I moved to turn from her but she grabbed my wrist.

"You care more than you're saying," the girl said, looking me straight in the face. Up close her eyes were beautiful and her face was magnificent. I felt a tingle I hadn't expected from her touch.

"It's just," I said, taking my hand back and pulling my wet hair back away from my face. "You remind me of someone I miss."

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"It's, it's not important, you came to swim," I said, trying to give her an out.

"Tell me," she said.

"It's more of a coffee shop story," I confessed.

"Fine," she said, pulling her cap on over her hair and fixing her goggles. "When are you off?" She asked.

"What?" I asked, shocked. "Why?"

"I'll buy," she said. I looked back at my cheap coffee and thought for sure that she must've seen it. I let out a sigh.

"12," I said.

"Sounds good," the girl said.

"Really?" I asked.

"We don't have to," she said. "I don't want to force you."

"No, no," I said. "I would actually love that," she couldn't know how long I'd been watching and wondering. All of a sudden it just seemed sort of surreal.

"Me too," she smiled. "I'll pick you up."

"Okay," I smiled, surprised. I couldn't tell if she thought it was a date or if I was just being weird and making it strange so I turned from her and picked my tube up and walked away to the ladder, my wet feet hard on the dry cement.

She waited until I got to the top of my chair and sat. Fleetwood Mac was coming out of the stereo. I looked over at the woman and gave her a nod. As if obeying, she turned her head away and dove in.

Momentarily, my smile was too big for my own good. What had happened was not something I expected. The day had already been a lot different than I had thought it would be.

I watched her swim and tried not to jinx it. Then the thought of Amy swept over me and banished the smile clean from my face. This was new but it wasn't her. This was nice but it wasn't her. What did anything matter if it wasn't her?

I tried to concentrate but it was hard not to cry.

Luckily my mystery woman was too busy to look up and too strong to ever need help. I hugged my tube and tried not to cry or wipe at my eyes but they were cloudy.

Not sure what snapped me out of it at last but it was probably the older man who sometimes came on Fridays and only on Fridays.

I couldn't wait to leave but the thought of talking about Amy was a bit scary and I wasn't sure how I'd survive.


	4. Chapter 4

_*finding time to write has been sort of impossible*_

 _*as usual, I have so many stories I want to work on but no time in which to really feel comfortable doing so*_

 **Chapter Four**

Work after that was mostly the same. Only difference? That feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling I got just knowing that I had a coffee date. The countdown was on.

I had to wonder what it was about this girl that made me so nervous.

I mean, I knew, I knew right away that the only reason I was nervous was because she reminded me of Amy in a lot of ways. Knowing that was all I needed, I guess. It made me imagine Amy showing up, Amy back from her tour, Amy here with me instead of far away doing who knows what.

I couldn't leave the pool fast enough. I wanted to see Amy. If I couldn't do that, this was the closest I could come. I wanted to talk to someone about Amy, someone who wouldn't send her an email about it, someone who wouldn't gossip in a text or a call about how pathetic I am or how different I am without her. I wanted to feel like I wasn't constantly spinning my wheels and going nowhere in this place where she no longer was.

I realized, soon after her proposition, that I needed to talk to someone, I really needed it.

She made it easy, my mystery swimmer. The second I walked out of the pool's bounds I could see her leaning up against a car. She had a leather jacket on and her hands were in the pockets. Her dark shades made her skin look super white and her hair look super blonde like Amy's. My heart rushed due to familiarity. She looked so much like her it almost scared me. I suddenly wondered how different she really was.

I felt a blush rush my cheeks but I tried to quell it as I got closer.

"How was it?" She asked, a smile attacking her as she fought it down.

"Same as always," I tried to shrug. I felt like I knew her. She wasn't Amy though, she wasn't Amy. She was new.

"Is that good or bad?" She asked, still leaning on her car and seeming more put together than I could ever pretend to be. She had Amy's eyes, Amy's build, Amy's hair. Her features were different, they were softer than Amy's but I liked them. If anything she was sportier than Amy, her arms and skin a little tighter, she had blue eyes, that was the biggest difference, and soft freckles that you could only see if you were really close. I wanted to touch her. I realized it. I fought off the urge to do so as I came closer.

"Neither," I said, shaking away all my thoughts. "Just normal." I couldn't speak.

"Just normal," she smiled.

"What?" I could feel her looking at me. This was like Amy but it was slightly different. I could tell she was surveying my form, learning my body language, liking the feel of me about her personal space. "Okay, so, I have to ask," I said, getting ahead of things and probably fucking things up. "Is this like, a date date because I have to warn you, I'm not really gay."

"Wha-umm.. This is.. Coffee," she said, stiffening but seeming unoffended. If anything she smirked a little and I wondered what she was thinking.

"I-I know it's just coffee. I just, my life has been a mess lately and I don't want to drag anyone else into it, at least not against their will."

"Oh," she said. "Well, I'm fine," she said. "I'm just curious about you," she was walking me around to her passenger door. After saying this she opened the door and gave me a strong side-eye.

I got in and sat but I left my feet out on the pavement for just a second more.

"Why?"

"Well, your job is weird, for one."

"That's certainly true," I sighed, looking down at my feet in my sandals and wishing I had brought a proper change of clothes.

I would've worn heels for her and a dress. I would've done my hair for this. I would've dolled all up. I hadn't gone out lately, not with anyone.

"Did I say something wrong?" She seemed to notice where I went just then. I shook it off, my sadness.

"I haven't really been out with anyone in a while," I sighed shakily. I could feel it, it was like I had been holding my breath only I didn't want to be holding it. It hurt actually.

"Why?" She asked frankly.

"I dunno," I lied, feeling the tightness in my throat, as it twisted, ever-tighter.

"Okay, yeah, I think we should upgrade this whole coffee thing to a whole lunch thing because you obviously need somebody to talk to."

"It's not-"

"Ah-ah-ah," she said, bending down and lifting my legs at the knees. I didn't expect her to be strong but she was. Just like Amy.

I laughed. No one else treated me this way.

Amy would've done this too. She had done this.

The girl had taken my legs and placed my feet inside.

"You're doing this," she said, giving me a smile and then shutting the door.

I felt my heart leap, something in the way she was with me just made me feel so good. It was like having Amy back only different. I was used to Amy loving me like she did. I wasn't used to this new person but I already felt like I knew her and that was lovely somehow, especially after all the summertime sadness.

She got in the car and we made small talk about where we should go. Eventually she decided a place I had never been. She told me she was going to pay too and that I had to eat a lot and that I couldn't fight her on it because for weeks I'd been ready to save her life and to her that was sort of an impossible deed to repay.

Somewhere between the first light and the last I felt myself missing Amy and really wanting to text her. I held my phone in my hands, opened messaging to stare again at my last message to her and the response that did not follow.

"You okay?" Beside me, my mystery girl was driving in a very fluid way. Every move she made seemed somewhat flawless. It was a dance she was used to and good at. I wondered if there was anything she wasn't good at. I saw her face first and heard her words second.

"What? Oh- yeah." I shook my head. I was dazed. "I mean… Not really," I laughed.

I felt her hand fall to my wrist. I looked up to see her eyes on me. I felt her seeing me.

She was a complete stranger but it was such an odd thing. I hadn't felt seen like this in a very long while.

It only lasted a moment. The road wasn't a place to ignore. She turned back to the road but kept her hand on my wrist.

I let out a heavy sigh and dropped my hand, using my other hand to hold hers against my wrist.

Out of nowhere I felt a strong pang.

"I don't even know who you are," I said, noticing. I could feel her inside. But I didn't even know who she was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"So, let's hear it."

We'd sat down inside by the oversized windows. Outside the sun was reaching in and covering us. I felt my eyes shut before she spoke. I felt myself allowing the sun to cover me fully and take me in.

Then her words came and startled me.

I had somehow forgotten that I had promised to talk.

"Well," I nearly laughed. "I don't even know where to start." My eyes searched the table and then her jeans. She'd taken her jacket off and hung it over the back of her chair. I could not stop noticing her arms ever since she'd done that.

Let's not even mention how quickly she got my order and sorted all that business out. As soon as I sat she was hovering over me, again with her close words and her calculated ways. When she came back to the table with the food and the drinks I was trying hard not to instantly break.

I hadn't been taken care of in a while.

Here she was now, watching me, being so present.

"Okay," she sighed. "Start easy then, why haven't you been out with anyone in a while?"

Now, I really laughed.

"That's easy?!" I asked nervously. The smile on my face wouldn't leave. She had this effect on me, I just liked her.

Her name's Haley, by the way. After the moment in the car she told me her name.

"Okay… Fine. I'll go," she said. And this surprised me. I'd been so wrapped up in my own trauma, the thought escaped me that she might actually have some layers to shed. She leaned forward a bit and licked a bit of mayonnaise off her thumb. "It's come to my attention that I may be a creature of habit."

I didn't know what to say. I just stared and took a bite of my sandwich.

I chewed, gave myself time to think, and then spoke. "What sort of habit?"

"You've seen some of it," she said. "I get up really early. I come to your pool."

"Oh," I said, still confused. Most people had normal habits like exercise or reading or anything like that. "It's normal though, right?"

"I dunno," she sighed as if there was a lot more too it a lot more she wasn't saying. She looked down at her sandwich and picked it up again. For the first time she seemed slightly agitated and depressed.

I waited for her to talk but instead she ate and I watched. I don't think she noticed me though.

"My best friend fell in love with me," I said.

It was the perfect time. A conversation starter to say the least.

Instead of easing into the pain I ripped the band-aid right off.

"I fucked up a lot," I went on. "It's been really painful…" I had a hard time breathing so I tried to focus on the sandwich in my hand and not looking at Haley's face. I didn't really want a reaction but I did want to feel better. "Really messy," I sighed again and put the sandwich down.

I couldn't be hungry. Not with this on my mind.

I looked up at her.

"Umm... Her name is Amy." I paused and looked down briefly before returning my gaze. "We were supposed to spend the summer together but I fucked up and now she's gone."

She blinked and leaned back in her chair. "How'd you fuck up?" She asked. I felt my eyes trying to escape her and my entire body trying to escape my own dumb past.

"How much time do you have?" My eyes blinked slowly as I looked to her in self-pity and winced without meaning to. This was nowhere near a _**one-lunch**_ conversation. My stomach turned and I wished that it could be.

"Talk to me," she said. "I don't have any plans. Really." She leaned forward and placed her hand on mine. I looked down at her hand on mine and smiled. But I felt it, that queer notion that maybe it was fucked up to be happy about her after everything that had just happened with Amy.

If I listened to my head I would know that any happiness at all without Amy was something I did not deserve.

"Okay," I said, pulling my hand slowly away and pushing my body back so that I could prepare myself. "But, remember, this can't be a date."

"Okay," she said, a smile gracing her face as well.

For once, this summer I had a real reason to smile, a reason that wasn't prompted by a memory but instead an actual person in front of me and smiling too.

The story though weighed heavy and telling it would be difficult. It'd gotten to a point where even I had forgotten some of the things that led Amy and I to where we were now but I so wanted to make sense of it all. I so needed someone else to help me find a way to fix things to make it all better again. Amy was my favorite person but I was losing her. Not even Hailey could bridge that distance but Hailey was here and she was helping and I needed to be seen again, I needed to let myself be seen by someone who wasn't Shane or Lauren or Liam.

Despite all my attempts to crawl inside my head and wait for Amy to return, Hailey had reached out and stolen me for a little while. Right now I was happy about that but I couldn't help but worry about how badly I could ruin this too. No matter what I did or how I was, everything I touched seemed to burn up and blow away...

I couldn't talk to anyone now without thinking like that… The more I talked though, the more I needed to say so I guess, for now, it couldn't possibly hurt any worse...


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Okay, that is seriously insane."

"What?"

"You kissed her? Really?"

"Well, yeah. I mean… I must've."

"And you don't remember anything?"

"It's strange," I paused. We'd already gone through everything with Liam and Reagan and all the faking and the back and forth and Amy losing Reagan and how horrible I felt and how responsible I felt and all of that. Hailey had been pretty great at pushing me to tell it all and reaching for things I might've forgotten to say. She was a great listener, just like Amy. She was an investigator, a cute one (also like Amy).

And now this…

"What?" She asked, watching me. We'd gotten used to seeing each other like this. I could tell she was seeing more of me than normal people were used to.

"When I woke up the next day I had no idea what I had done, none."

"Alcohol will do that," she teased. I reached over and hit her arm.

"No," I fought. "That wasn't the strange part." I readjusted in my seat to get comfortable again. It was hard to be comfortable when talking about uncomfortable things.

"Okay, so what was?" She asked.

I hadn't said this to anyone yet but I'd been thinking about it off and on ever since that night.

"I dunno," I said. "I just… Before I knew, before I really knew… And then also… When they told me I'd kissed someone, I had this feeling."

"What kind of feeling," she was scared to ask but excited at the same time and I could tell. I shifted on the couch where we were sitting now. I shifted until I could put my elbow on the top of the sofa and lean my head to the right and hold it up with my hand.

"You know when you have one of those amazing dreams," I mused. "Dreams where you're with someone… Kissing someone?"

"I like those dreams," she smiled, staring into my eyes and searching me.

"It was like that," I said. I didn't know quite how else to put it.

"What, the feeling?"

"Yeah… I think so." It was either the feeling or maybe, well, even sense it's been the thought of kissing Amy just then, the thought of kissing her when I hadn't thought about doing that for a good long while.

"So what do you do now?" She asked.

"I dunno," I sighed. "I've already done everything wrong I don't think I really have a say anymore."

"Nah, that's crazy talk," she said. "Of course you have a say. You'll always have a say."

"I mean, I don't deserve a say."

"Oh," she sighed.

We both sat a while. It got real quiet.

A lady across the room began to laugh at something her friend said and we both stared. I felt Haley's hand on my wrist all of a sudden, she was pulling my attention back.

"Will you get mad at me if I say something?" She asked cautiously. I could tell she had been watching me.

Up until now Haley hadn't really seemed trepidatious about speaking her mind.

"No," I reassured, watching her back. I needed advice. I needed to think about this stuff and not allow myself to get away with what I had done to Amy and myself.

"Okay," she sighed, sitting up straight. We were so close now it was almost laughable. It was like we were having a sleepover or something. We may as well have been wrapped up in blankets and hiding in the dark with only the light of a small flashlight to keep us in the day. "This might sound crazy," she prefaced. I felt her hands on mine and a shock ran through me. I wasn't prepared. "I know I'm just a stranger to you." She said it and I knew it couldn't be farther from the truth. "But…" She paused. Her eyes traveled down to the couch and then back up to meet mine. I realized I was staring. I realized it too late and she caught me. "It really sounds like you're in love with her," she said, surprising me again.

"What?!" I laughed awkwardly. I mean, I loved her, obviously. I would always love Amy, Amy was the only person in my life who I really wanted and needed. Amy was my everything but...

"What if you're scared," Haley said, pulling me back into it. I took my hands away and felt myself shifting to place some distance between her and I. All of a sudden I needed to be in control of something.

"Haley," I said, bracing myself for the feelings I wasn't ready to be having again. People just didn't understand. I don't know why it hurt so much, hearing her say this thing that I had actually begun to wonder lately… "I-I wish," I said.

"Karma?" Haley said, noticing that I'd become upset. She scooted closer to me and hugged close to my side. I felt her pull me into her and hold me. "Hey, forget I said anything," she whispered.

"I can't," I said, holding her back, softer but still holding on. Warmth spread through my chest as she held me. Breathing her in I felt strange and taken. When she hugged me tighter and whispered into my ear I nearly lost myself.

"Hey," she whispered sweetly, holding me still. "I never would've said it if I'd known it would upset you."

"It's fine," I lied.

"It's not," she knew.

I let her hold me a little while longer. It hurt that even someone new would assume I could've somehow, all-along, fixed my own unending problem. To me it wasn't a choice. At least, until recently, I didn't think it was. But I wasn't about to just lie to Amy and say yes and pretend. What would happen years from now? What would happen if I woke up one day and realized I'd been lying to her for years? It just wasn't a good plan. Our whole relationship was based on trust, the whole thing.

I felt myself in Haley's arms and woke up to our situation. I braced myself by holding onto her elbows and then leaning back to pull myself away.

"Sorry," I said, coming out of myself.

"Karma…" She seemed sorry, really sorry.

"It's just, I haven't had anyone to talk to about this."

"Okay…" She took that info in and tried to swallow it down. I wasn't sure why she seemed so surprised by that.

"You probably think I'm crazy," I smiled.

"I don't," she said, stopping me with a hand at my arm. Her hand traveled down until it ended in mine.

"Anyway," I said, trying to break us apart. Sadness wasn't something I really wanted, it just kept finding me.

I suddenly felt the presence of my phone in my pocket and remembered Amy. I'd been talking about us for several minutes but I hadn't thought of her maybe texting me until now. My pocket seemed to burn. I should be talking to her about this. She was the one I needed to talk to but I had blown it, I'd fucked up.

"I'm gonna get an iced tea, do you want anything?" She was being nice, trying to fix it.

"I'm good," I said, knowing that the opposite was true. Sometimes I felt so empty or rather trapped with my emptiness, trapped with all the things I knew I wanted but didn't yet have.

She smiled and walked away. I could tell I had stressed her out somewhat.

I reached for my phone and dug it out. Flipping through my notifications I could see that my panic was pointless. Amy hadn't tried to contact me in the last few minutes just like she hadn't tried to contact me in the last few weeks.

I stared down at my phone and wanted to text her, wanted to talk to her.

Haley came back with her tea and touched my shoulder.

I looked up at her and knew what I needed to do.

"I… I'm really not feeling well," I said. "I think I need to call her, will you wait?"

"Yea," she said, relaxing at once. It was like she knew it even more than I did.

But what could really come of it? Who knew…

I just knew I needed to try again, try to reach her, try to talk.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

I walked outside of the cafe and sat down at an empty table. The sun was gone but it wasn't cold. The warm breeze was nice but I wasn't ready, I was never ready for the things I actually needed to just do.

I felt my body shake, my nerves taking over.

I dialed Amy and waited. The ringing of the phone felt powerful and definite. I felt weak. I waited and feared that she would pick up, or worse just leave me be.

The phone rang and rang. I was sure that she'd decided to ignore it when I heard the ringing stop and the silence begin.

"Amy?" I asked once I knew it must be her and not a dropped call.

"Um, Karma, hey," I heard her say.

"Hi," I said, the air trying to leave me all at once and somehow make it to her and be there where she was and take me there too.

"What-ah- What's up?" She asked, trying to seem unaffected.

"I, I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?" She laughed.

"I-I realized I-I needed to talk to you, like really talk."

The silence hurt me. Talking, for me? About this stuff? With her?

This was hard.

"Okay," she sighed. Wherever she was I could feel her sitting down. "Talk," she said, knowing that it would be harder for me if she said it like that. I felt my insides churn.

"I was out with someone just now." I knew already that I was starting this all wrong.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "It's- look, it's not like that."

"Like what?" Amy asked, challenging.

"I'm not calling to talk about someone else, I don't even know why I brought her up."

"So, this person is a she?"

"Yeah, but. God, Amy! I'm already fucking this up... Damnit." I felt myself wishing to explode.

"Karma…" She felt so far away all of a sudden, so very far.

"I couldn't tell you how I felt, okay?"

Silence.

Again.

"I couldn't tell you that, before I knew it was you I had kissed, I had this feeling in my chest this tight feeling of being in love, this feeling of being happy, Amy, like, really really happy. This feeling I don't often get, I mean, not with a kiss. Only twice, maybe..."

I waited for her to speak but she didn't.

"I had to tell you that. I had to tell you that right now because I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid it was that I didn't just tell you as soon as I felt it, as soon as I knew that it was you I kissed and not Liam. As soon as I knew that you were that feeling, I should've told you, I should've said it."

I felt so stupid for talking so much. I felt so stupid for being so slow to speak about the important things that actually mattered.

"Talk to me," I said. "I need you to talk to me." The silence. So much silence. And for so long. We'd never been like this. We'd never gone through this.

"Wh-ah… I don't know what to say Karma, I really don't."

"Shit," I sighed and waited. "Okay," I said… Needing to calm myself. I felt that the tears had come to bite at me and make me feel weak. "I've never felt this horrible in my entire life, do you know that?"

"Why do you feel horrible?" Amy asked, I could hear the defeated tone of her voice. I was still hurting her, even when I was trying to explain.

"At the RV, before you left… That morning even. I should've told you… I was just… Scared." I searched the night and felt small.

"Why were you scared?" Amy asked, she was so present now I could feel her just beyond somewhere so close I could touch her.

"I didn't want to lose you," I said, my voice squeaking near the end.

"You could never lose me," she said, her voice squeaking to.

"Yeah, well… It sure feels like you're gone," I cried, trying not to breathe was really hard.

"I just wish you'd have faith in me," she said. And I felt my heartstrings tug. I felt how badly I wanted to kiss her again.

"I do," I said. "It's me I'm not so sure about."

"Karma," she laughed. I could tell she'd been crying too.

"There's so much I want to ask you," I said. But mostly, I wanted to hold her again.

"I know," she said. She knew me better than anyone else. "Hey, look. This sucks but I have to go."

"Amy…" I felt it, the air in me gone, the fight in me depleted.

"Thanks for calling Karma. It- it means a lot, really."

I waited for anything else but nothing came.

She hung-up before I could answer her. The line fell short and I knew that I had done little to fix us but I'd done all that I could do the only thing I should've already done. I couldn't fix us. I couldn't take away any of the things I had done or not done.

Without her now, I felt strange… Wrecked…


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

With my lifeline in my hand, and my hero nowhere to be found, I tucked my phone into my pocket and decided I did all I could do, for now.

Inside, Haley was playing on her phone. I walked in and found her smiling to something, her two thumbs texting.

"What'd I miss?" I did my best to find humor.

"Nothing much," she laughed. "My friend is an asshole."

"Why's that?" I asked, sitting down very close to her. It occurred to me suddenly that Haley and I had been out together for a while now and neither of us had even suggested splitting up or going our own separate ways. Despite everything going on in my head, and that mess I had made of everything with Amy, I found myself momentarily at peace and a smile graced my face, a true smile. I liked Haley. She was funny and sweet, a hard combo to be had.

"I told her I was out with my lifeguard and she said I was kinky and that I needed to chill."

"Oh," I smiled, snuggling up to her. "Can I see?" I asked, laying onto her and reaching over for her phone. It was nothing I wouldn't do with Amy. Still, I felt a stir of something as I did it and I liked it.

She let me see. The convo was very vanilla, nothing scandalous about how hot I was or anything like that.

"Wait, you've seen Carol?"

"Of course!" She laughed. "Haven't you?"

"I haven't but I really want to," I sighed. It felt good to lay on her. I wanted to tell her but instead I just cherished it. "Amy loves that book, she's obsessed with it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't even know where she found it, it must've been Shane or Reagan."

"Amy sounds cute," Haley said.

"She looks a lot like you actually."

"What?" Haley laughed and reached around me, taking my phone from my pocket. I tried to stop her but she was sporty and quick. "Holy shit," she said. I had so many pictures of Amy on there. It didn't take her long at all to find them. "Karma, that's actually sort of freaky." I dropped her phone in her lap and reached for mine but she pulled it away, denying me.

"Hey, you asked me out, remember?"

"Yeah but…"

"And this isn't a date, right?"

"Right," she said, pulling her other hand back and sitting up so that I would have to be alone and away from her.

"No, I like it, don't," I said, pulling her arm back so that she'd hold me again.

"Anyone ever tell you you're a little confusing."

"A lot actually."

She scrolled through the pictures one at a time and I watched the slideshow remembering all our moments one by one. It felt less incriminating with Haley holding me up.

I wasn't expecting it but we got to the set Amy and I had taken in lingerie when we were trying to see what looked sexy, trying to prepare for the threesome.

"Oooohhhkay…." Haley said, stiffening a bit. "Yeah, I'm going to need a little context for this one."

"The threesome," I said, feeling ashamed.

"God, you two are hot."

"Ya think?"

"Yeah, you make an adorable couple."

"Shut up," I said. She knew I was touchy about that now and I knew I was starting to feel like a bit of a hypocrite for shutting Amy down like I did.

Haley scrolled left and eventually made it to the pictures Amy took of me the day after my birthday.

"You look happy here," she said.

"I was happy."

That was before school started, before I'd messed up our lives.

"She's taking the pictures isn't she?"

"Yup," I said, taking a deep breath in, realizing and seeing exactly what Haley could see. "Um, hey, let's look at your pictures, okay?" I took my phone back and shoved it into my pocket. I was too emotional for this.

"Okay," Haley said. "But I don't really take that many pictures so it won't be all that interesting." She shifted a bit and took her phone back from her lap.

"Mmm, you smell nice."

She paused, a smile chasing her. "You say that to all your friends?" She asked coyly.

"No," I said. A dark shadow falling over my mood. Suddenly, all I could think about was Amy again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

A lot of Haley's pictures were of nature, or of parts of her body and not the whole thing. There was nothing dirty. There were no pictures of her in lingerie with her best friend. To my surprise, there was rarely even a picture of her face. When she finally swiped by one I took the phone away from her and held it close because I wanted to see it.

"Whoa," I said.

"Jess took that one," she seemed bored with it or maybe just resigned. There was a history there, I could tell right away.

"Who's Jess?" I asked, staring over at her. I realized I wasn't just close to her, I was practically laying all over her! I would definitely stop if Haley seemed to mind but she didn't and for whatever reason being close to her felt nice.

"My friend," she said. "Just like Amy's _**your**_ friend."

"What do you mean?" I smiled. She kept saying things in ways that confused me.

She sighed a deep sigh and searched me for something with her eyes before giving up.

"We took things somewhere we shouldn't have," she said. The whole while though I could tell she thought she was conveying more to me than she actually was. I guess I was just slow on the pick-up. Wouldn't be surprising.

"I don't understand," I said.

"Okay," she said, sitting upright and holding onto the couch with both of her hands at the seat cushion. Because of my job it reminded me of the way people sit on the diving blocks sometimes before swim practice starts. They're not supposed to sit like that but it's cute.

"Imagine how you'd feel right now if, instead of just a kiss, you and Amy had slept together."

"Um… I don't know if I even can imagine that," I laughed awkwardly. My feelings weren't so simple. Sometimes I needed for something to happen for me to actually feel whether I'd like it or not.

The thought of doing something like that with Amy? Just the thought made me flush. I felt hot and strange. It was an instantly curious feeling though I'd never admit that to Amy, it'd be too hard right now. Amy just should never be treated as a dalliance. That's my main problem there.

"What happens when you do imagine it?" Haley asked. I felt examined. She had to notice my nervousness.

"Ah, it's confusing," I said. All that time before in planning the threesome everything was just so technical. I had these ideas but none of them translated to actual feelings or cravings or sexual excitement. It wasn't until Amy stood up and took off her robe… It wasn't until she kissed me that I realized I might actually have some sort of feeling about what we were about to do. And if I think long and hard that's probably why I ran off. But I can't be sure. That was a different time just like this is a different time.

I don't like to think about all that.

"Why?" Haley asked, staring straight at me, watching me. She wanted to know why thinking about sex with Amy would make me confused.

"I dunno," I laughed. "It's just not something I try to think about."

"But you know that she thinks about it, right?"

"What?!" Of course. Of course she does. Of course. "I mean, yeah. Yeah. Of course."

Does she though? The thought interested me. I hadn't thought about that. I mean, she never said… She was sweet if she did think about it. But we never talked about that...

This conversation took a strange turn. "What, ah.. How did it happen?" I needed Haley to speak about herself. I needed to stop the conversation from being just about all the ways I did or did not want to touch my best friend.

"I don't even really know," she said. "We're just so used to being with each other all of the time and we'd kissed before and stuff, mostly to impress the boys on the team, or rather piss off this one boy who's a real asshole."

"Team?"

"Swimming," she said.

"Oh," that team…

"After I told her I loved her things not only stayed the same but they got a bit more touchy and romantic."

"Really?" I wondered about Amy and I. The truth couldn't really be said of us. Amy made sure.

"Yeah. It was like Jess wanted me to feel good, ya know? She always loved that I loved her. Knowing how much sort of made everything more intense for us both."

"I get that," I said, nodding my head.

What would I have been like if Amy didn't push me away? We were finally getting back to normal when I kissed her…

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking Amy made sure not to use me," I sighed.

"Did you want to be used?"

The question. Fuck me. That question.

"I… I dunno," how could I answer that. I definitely didn't want her to push me away. I definitely didn't want her to treat me like some normal friend she could stay away from. I mean, hell, I couldn't stay away from her either that was just how we'd always been. It was just this Karmy thing. I don't even think Amy _**could**_ use me. I love everything about her. I love everything she does. "We went from sleeping in beds together and holding each other all the time to being these sort of distant friends we'd never been before. I didn't even know what was going on. I had no control. She wouldn't let me be close with her, not after…"

"Hmm…"

"What?"

"She sounds like a really great person," Haley said, a bit of defeat in her.

"She-she really is," I felt like crying again but Haley took my hand and held it.

"What happened with Jess," she started. "I could sense that we'd never go there unless I tried. And not trying would leave all the blame on me, ya know?" The way she stared now was intense. My thoughts flooded back to Amy and how against all that she was. She felt too much and that was why she wanted me not to touch her. She didn't want to be a creep but she never could've been that, not to me.

"But Jess didn't love you like that."

"That's what she said," Haley smiled. "I know her though. I'd seen the way she treated me, the way she reacted when I flirted with other girls, the way she pulled me closer and took more from me physically after knowing."

"What do you mean took?"

"She used me," Haley said. "She was using me and trying to keep me for herself."

"Oh…" I… I did that… "And that's why you…"

"I was just sort of sick of it. She'd fucked up a relationship I had, a really nice relationship with a girl who actually wanted to touch me and be more with me, ya know?"

"Yeah…" I could hear myself losing control and fading away.

"That night right after. She'd basically claimed me in front of this girl. We kissed and I was this asshole to this new person, ya know? That night, after all that, when we finally went home I just got so upset because I realized much too late that Jess had played me. I was upset, really upset. And of course I was turned on. That kiss from Jess came out of nowhere at the time. I dunno, for once, I didn't want to control that anger or that impulse to just take her, ya know? I wanted her to feel it. Just for once."

"Wait, you didn't hurt her did you?"

"What?! Of course not. No." Haley seemed put-off by even the thought. "We were at her house when I realized. She was all weepy and apologetic. She was guilty you know. She knew she had messed with my happiness in a way she couldn't explain, a way she could never take back." Haley paused a second to gather herself. "I mean, here I was trying to help her be happy, trying to help her find someone she could love and here she was actively destroying any chance I could have at the same thing. Why would someone do that?"

I felt a lump in my throat and couldn't speak. I couldn't answer the question but I knew I was guilty.

"So, uh, what'd you do?" I suddenly felt so thirsty. It was so odd. I dunno why but I kept thinking about Amy and imagining Amy. I even shut my eyes a moment but I really hoped Haley missed that.

"I confronted her. I was sick of it."

"And what'd she do?"

"She cried, at first, but then somehow we were standing so close and I had just made her feel like absolute shit because she'd definitely ruined my life for her own gain, ya know? She'd been acting like my ex, not my friend."

"Yea…"

"I just. I was staring at her and something came over me and I just said, fuck it, ya know? I kissed her."

It was really quiet somehow in the coffee shop. My head seemed to pound.

"Did, did she like it?"

"Oh yeah," Haley began to laugh. "Liking it would be an understatement." What a rush… "I kissed her but I was still kinda scared about it. We'd never kissed without an audience. I didn't know if she'd hate me or something if I did that."

"And did she?"

"Eventually, maybe? But not for the kiss. For liking it."

"Oh…"

"When I kissed her it was shaky and soft. I'd just reached my breaking point. But when she kissed back…" Haley shook her head and made a face, a sort of happy bitter face.

"Good?"

"Oh God," she exhaled almost in a cough and leaned her elbows down onto her thighs to better remember and breathe. "She wasn't scared about hurting my feelings and she knew she didn't have to be. She came at me like she was the thirstiest person on the planet, like she needed to kiss me to survive. And we were both upset either at each other or ourselves..."

"Wow," it was making me sweat.

"From their it just sort of happened. She tugged at my shirt and touched me, ya know, in ways she hadn't. It was like for one night only everything between us made sense. Neither of us were unhappy, neither of us were really upset because we both wanted it. She was very very nervous at a certain point though. When I got her close I think she finally realized what we were doing and it frightened her."

"Why?"

"I dunno… She just.. I was looking down at her and I was inside of her and she was staring up at me and trembling and trying not to pant as much as she probably needed to and I could just, I could see it, she'd never felt that way before. I'd gotten her lost in it."

"Were you her first?"

"No… And that's the thing… That's how I know, how I know it's all real."

"And what about now?"

Haley laughed again. But I knew she wasn't really happy. I wasn't happy about things with Amy and we hadn't even done _**that.**_

"Things are horrible. We've done this thing that she apparently never wanted to do. Things are different. She's at a crossroads and I'm just waiting for her to decide what she really wants."

"That sounds… Horrible."

"It is…"

"Wow…" I couldn't stop thinking about it. What a crazy story. Amy had never kissed me like that, not when we were alone together… I wondered what I'd do. My stomach turned and I felt hot all of a sudden.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I… I think I'm tired actually."

"Oh, well, come on, I'll take you home." Haley stood and offered me her hand. I took it and sort of fell into her without meaning too. "I'm glad I made you eat something," she smiled.

"I'm glad too," I smiled back.

She walked me out to the car and was gentle with me, helping me in.

I sat in the passenger seat and felt all kinds of things, mostly unsurety about myself. I was confused. Amy confused me. I think I was finally starting to realize that with her gone…

"Sorry, it got so heavy," Haley said. "I guess I haven't really told anyone that story. Well, not anyone who can relate anyway. All my friends are pretty straight, or who knows, maybe they're innocent. Anyway, they think we should both just get over it. I can see it in their eyes. They think we're both being stupid about everything. Like we're stirring drama or making shit up."

"I'm off tomorrow," I blurt out. I was suddenly so aware that I could not be at the pool in the morning when Haley came in.

"Aww… Well, I'll definitely miss your eyes watching me." It was a joke but also not.

"Can I see you again?" I didn't even know why I was asking. I just knew the thought of not talking again like this stressed me out.

"Of course," Haley smiled.

I took her phone and put my number in it and text myself.

"Are you okay?"

"No," I said truthfully, a small twitch of a smile graced my face but I refused to feel the sadness in a wave like I had been. "I've been going through the motions and pretending when Amy comes back things are going to be fine."

Haley slipped her hand into mine and squeezed it. I let my head fall back on the headrest, that conversation with Amy hadn't been too uplifting.

"If you really love each other you'll work it out," Haley said.

"I hope so," I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat but that was pretty much impossible so I gave up after two tries.

In front of my house it was strange. Haley had parked her car and we were just sitting there idling.

"Have you seen Jess lately?" I asked.

Haley sighed and looked down. "Not really, no. It's summer. We have no reason to see each other. There's no swim practice. There's no school."

"But you were friends," I said. I immediately felt bad for using the word: _**were**_.

"We _**were…**_ " Haley said, that small laugh of hurt came after just like it had done before. I watched her in her reality and wished I could change everything for her and for me.

When she finally looked up at me I could see tears hanging in her beautiful eyes. I scooted closer to her and led her face down into mine with one hand.

I wasn't sure why but I really just wanted to kiss her.

Kissing her was new. She was soft and yielding. It wasn't like Liam. It was more like Amy. Just sort of in between.

As I pulled away I felt my eyes flutter a few times while shut and then open.

"Sorry," I said. I was slightly embarrassed.

"Don't be," Haley shrugged, a smile finding her.

"Okay," I said, my hand finding hers and squeezing it again. That'd be enough for one night. Definitely enough.

I pushed the door open and found my way out.

On the sidewalk I waited with folded arms for Haley to drive away.

In my pocket my phone seemed to burn. I couldn't believe Amy had to go… I couldn't believe she hadn't called back… I couldn't believe so many things and they all hurt.

Except for one… I put two fingers to my lips and felt the space where Haley had been. Her kiss had been… Sweet.


	10. Chapter 10

_*this chapter is like two rolled into one*_

 _*also, for the person asking when amy will be back. the question isn't: when will amy be back? the question is: when will karma get so frustrated that she goes to her?*_

 **Chapter Ten**

 **Part I**

I went to sleep early after everything. I kept practicing this one song until it depressed me so much I couldn't stop crying. Natrually, that exhausted me and I fell asleep. In the morning I was so nervous checking my phone. But there was nothing.

I thought for sure Amy would call back. I thought…

…

Haley texted me though, which was sweet. She took a picture of Shane and put a caption beneath it.

Haley: He's cute but he's no you.

I could just see Shane up there shaking his leg on the stand with all that pent up energy. Neither of us were really happy with the job.

Karma: Poor Shane…

By now though, Haley was for sure away from the pool.

Haley: Any plans for the day?

Karma: Might sleep a little more…

Haley: Ah yes, the pleasing black hole

Karma: What?!

Haley: Time moves quickly when you're unconscious.

Karma: True…

I wanted Amy to call. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to at least know we were still friends.

The more time that went by, the more I knew I was wrong. We were never going to be the same. All the signs were saying so.

I got up instead of sleeping. Haley was right, the black hole was definitely pleasing. But it was no way to live. I needed to try.

My Mom and Dad were going to the flea market in town to sell juice. I went with…

Hours passed. No Amy.

We got back home around 5:30pm.

I mostly wanted to crawl out of myself or just scream for hours or maybe run and run and run and never stop.

I got an idea and dialed Haley.

"Hello?"

"Hi." It made me smile to hear her voice.

"Hi," she said. I could feel her smiling through the phone.

"Will you take me somewhere?"

"Now?"

"Yeah," I said. "If you're busy it's fine-"

"No, I'd love to," she said.

"K," I sighed. I already felt 100% better about the day.

 **Part 2**

When Haley showed up she was all dressed up. She had a tight black dress on and her make-up was on point and she'd straightened her already straight hair.

"Whoa," I said.

"I-" She looked down and remembered herself. "Family dinner," she laughed.

"You look…" I raised my hand up to signal.

"I know," she blushed but turned away from me quickly. I don't think she would've dressed like that just for me but I was happy to see her this way.

I stuck my guitar into her car and got in.

"Okay," she laughed, suddenly noticing the instrument. "Where are we going?"

"There's an open mic night at The Tortoise Shell Cafe. I've never been before and I keep thinking, I should do that, I should do that, but I never go."

"Oh," Haley said. She seemed to like the idea.

"I figured with you along I can't back out."

"Why's that?"

"I want to impress you," I said.

"It doesn't take much, believe me," Haley laughed. "Plus, you've been ready to save me every day for the past month. That's about as impressive as it gets."

"Okay, well, also I was going crazy all day. I think I need this. It's a distraction."

She started the car up and began to drive while I talked.

"What made you crazy all day?" She jumped back a few words

"Amy hasn't called or texted. It's been hours since I told her the truth about what I felt when we kissed. Her only response was to thank me and then say she had to go. What even is that?!"

"Given everything," Haley coughed. "I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to distance herself from you. No offense but at this point she's probably thinking that you'd say anything to get her back."

"Maybe…" I didn't like that thought. I didn't say what I said to get her back. I said it because it was important and I hadn't said it before when I should've. It wasn't about getting her back though I did want that more than anything else in the world.

"Who knows though, she could just be busy, what's she doing anyway?"

"She's touring with a band, documenting, taking pictures." Just like her dad...

"Nice," Haley said.

"She's really good," I said. I hadn't seen much of what she'd done while on tour but what I did see was great. There were a few videos up on youtube and a whole bunch of pictures on Facebook.

Amy has this whole new life away from me.

The same could be said about me but there is nothing new about my life in Austin. Nothing about me has changed. I'd still trade everything for her in a heartbeat.

"I can show you some videos if you want."

Haley's phone buzzed in her pocket. She moved to glance at it and in turn made a face.

"Your family?" If she escaped dinner or something she might be in deep water.

"Jess."

"What?"

"I.. I forgot to mention something important."

"What?"

"It's kind of my birthday today."

"Haley!" I couldn't believe she would keep that from me.

"I need a distraction too."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"Well… I kinda fucking hate my birthday," she started to laugh. "Your birthday is the day when everyone thinks of you because they feel guilty if they don't. I'm not into that."

"Still… You deserve to do things you want to do on your birthday."

"Yeah, well, I wanna hear Karma Ashcroft sing," Haley smiled.

After that we were quiet all the way to the cafe. When we got there it was sort of insane. There were tons of people eventhough we were early. There was a sign-up sheet. I put my name on it, dedicated a time. I got 8:45, which was a good while to wait.

Haley grabbed us some drinks. As soon as we sat down the thing started.

It was cute though. I didn't know I'd get so nervous.

"She was good," Haley said. A girl from my school sang Wild Horses while playing an electric keyboard.

The longer we waited the more nervous I became. Several people went. They were all ages, all interests. There was just so much talent packed into one small room.

Most people didn't watch the others before going on. Probably because it was nerve wracking.

"I dunno if I can do this," I said, at a certain point.

I got up and left during a cute boy's broadway cover of Will I from RENT.

Once I was outside I could breathe again. It was colder than I thought it would be.

"Karma?"

"Over here," I said.

Perfect timing, my phone buzzed in my pants. Haley and I both looked down to see Amy's face on the screen.

"I'm-I'm really sorry for this but can I have a minute?"

"No, sure, of course," Haley said, walking back inside.

I took a deep breath and answered the phone.

"Karma?"

"Amy, hi," I said, worried.

"Hey, I- I'm sorry I couldn't call back sooner, I dropped my phone in the van and couldn't find it and we were all stuck in there like sardines all day. There just wasn't even a minute alone where I could be alone until now."

"Ah-oh, oh, that's okay, it's okay."

"No, it's not okay… Of course it's not okay, I know how you are. I know that probably killed you all night and all day that I had to go and then I just didn't call back. That's not what I wanted to do, Karma. I was stuck, I had no choice."

"Okay," I said, sort of torn between believing her and not. It could all be a lie. How would I know? Amy had gotten good at lying to me lately. She'd gotten better at everything actually. All while I'd gotten worse.

"Okay..." She seemed skeptical of me too. I understood exactly why. I hadn't really given her any reasons to love me lately.

"I'm sorry.. You're right, okay? It did kill me. It killed me so much that I'm about to go on stage at an open mic night."

"Really?" Her voice perked up. She knew how scared I was of performing. I had to be pushed into it most times. I basically had to feel like I had nothing else to lose. The dangers usually outweighed the pleasures. "Karma, that's…" She was quiet for a second. "I wish I could be there," she said.

"Me too…" I said back. But I knew why she couldn't.

"Is Liam with you?"

"Liam? No. No, I haven't really seen much of him this summer. Haven't wanted to since all that business with the big fight and his dad and that check… I haven't even thought about him in over a month. Plus, ever since..." I stopped talking. I sighed. "We don't fit," I said. That was simple now. I understood that more than most things.

"Oh…" Amy seemed down but I couldn't really figure her out.

"I asked Haley to take me tonight, she's sweet," I said, trying to make it seem normal.

"Who's Haley?" Amy asked.

It was weird. I didn't want to talk about Haley. That's not why.

Ug. I should never have brought her up.

"She swims at the pool in the mornings. She reminds me of you, actually. She's cute like you and sweet like you. Always says the right things…" I realized I was stalling. "Yesterday she talked me into going to coffee after work and we couldn't stop talking."

"Oh. Well, that's good, right?"

"Yeah," I said. But I felt strange about everything. Nothing was really good. Haley was nice and lovely and that kiss was nice and it was great to have someone to talk to but… Amy…

"What'd you talk about?" Amy asked. I couldn't tell if she was actually curious or perhaps just trying to be a good friend.

"All I could talk about was you," I said, plainly.

"What?"

"The only reason we went out was because she noticed how down I was at the pool every day…"

"Karma…"

"I know. You don't want to know."

"No, no. That's not-"

"Of course that's it," I scoffed. "You can't even talk to me for 2 minutes without needing to hang-up or be anywhere else."

"Karma..."

"I dunno how to fix this." I was suddenly upset. "You're all I think about, all I want. You're the only person who's ever really made me happy and you're gone." I paused and tried to gather myself. I didn't want to say something I'd regret. "I'm just worried that when you come back you still won't want to have anything to do with me. Okay.. Not just scared… Terrified. I'm terrified."

"Can we please just take this one step at a time?" Amy asked.

All I felt though was a burning.

Haley peeked her head out of the doorway. I looked over and noticed.

"You're up in 5," she said.

I gave her a nod and she disappeared again inside.

"I kissed her," I said. I didn't know why. I just did it.

"What?"

"Last night, after we talked about you and about Haley's friend who sounds A LOT like me, I kissed Haley."

"Um…"

"Look, I dunno why I did it but I wanted to tell you."

"Okay…" I could hear the confusion in her voice.

"If you were here I probably would've kissed you again," I laughed awkwardly but I knew it wasn't funny. Tears glossed over my eyes.

"Karma…"

"I know it's not funny. I'm mad at myself. I can't remember a time when I wasn't mad. I'm starting to see it more. How I am. What I do. I just do things and they affect people. And I don't mean to hurt people but I do."

She didn't know what to say. I could tell. "I'm like that sometimes too."

"No. Not nearly as much." I cut the thought off where it started. Time to change the subject. "I have to sing soon." I paused a while. "Amy, I need you to talk to me." She could never know how much of her I needed.

"Will you call me later?" She asked sweetly. "We're not playing here tonight. We can talk, I promise. I just need time. I can't just say things and leave you or have you say things and then I leave. We're too far apart for that."

"Okay…" I would spend my whole life on the phone with her if it was the only way we could be together. I wondered if she knew.

"Okay," she said. "Well.. break a leg!"

"I will!" I cried a little through my laughed.

"Love you," she said, breaking me just a little too much.

"I love you too, Amy." When I said it though I really wondered if she knew how much I meant it, how much I always meant it. My love for her was never an act or a lie. My love for her might be the only thing I've ever been clear about.

The line dropped and I looked out at the parking lot. Cars were coming and going. Further out, the street was busy with other people living their normal lives.

Haley popped up again. "They're looking for you," she said.

I walked to meet her, suddenly so grateful that she was around.

"Kiss me," I said.

"What?" She smiled queerly.

I cut her off and kissed her instead. Before I did it, all I could think about was my nerves and I needed a distraction. Then she appeared out of nowhere and she looked hot as hell.

When I grabbed her Haley stumbled out the door and pushed into me until my back hit the wall.

My head spun as she used her hands this time, touching me places as we kissed. I felt her right thumb at my hip bone and her left tracing the line of my jaw.

She tasted sweet like herself but there were also notes of chia tea, and chlorine, and, chapstick.

"Mmmm," I moaned into her mouth and felt as she pushed away just a bit to breathe just enough so that she could keep on kissing me for just one or two moments more.

It wasn't until I felt myself whimper that I remembered it was time.

"KARMA ASHCROFT?" A man came out the door and called.

"Mmm, right here!" I squeaked, laughing right after.

Haley laughed too, her entire body pressed up against mine. She had me trapped but I liked it.

"Feel better?" She asked, looking down on me.

"Mmmhmm," I smiled, my eyes adoring her.

"You're up," the man said.

"Okay, I'm coming," I said, but I stared at Haley as I said it and not at the man.

She pushed off of me and followed as I moved inside.

I grabbed my guitar on the way and got up on the stage. Once up there I realized I hadn't really prepared or practiced. Two of my strings needed tuning and I adjusted them right away.

"Okay, well. My name's Karma and this is my first time doing an open mic." A few people whistled and cheered at that. "I'm nervous and I've been singing this song non-stop lately but I want to dedicate this performance tonight to my new friend Haley. She's sitting right back there and I wouldn't be here without her and also it's her birthday and also she's a lovely kisser," I cleared my throat and tried to contain my smile. The crowd was torn too. There was laughter and clapping and mixed awww sounds coming from every which way.

I began to strum the intro to Ponytail Parades by Emery.

 _ **These sleepless nights, this isn't how it's supposed to be…**_

As soon as I began to sing I luckily lost myself in the song. Lost myself thinking about Amy.

At the end I was shaking but happy. Everybody clapped. At some point I had started crying but didn't even notice until the end.

I got down off the stage and random people followed me to talk to me. Someone had given Haley a flower and a free drink.

Haley came and grabbed me, she helped me outside where she knew I'd feel better.

While the strangers said nice things I leaned onto Haley and allowed her to hold me.

It wasn't until everyone else was gone that I actually let myself feel what I had just done.

"Okay, so, that was insane," Haley said softly. Her lips were in my hair. My whole body was against her.

"Did you like it?" I asked, staring up at her.

"Of course I did, you were amazing."

I realized myself and pushed off of her to stand up.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I said.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I kissed you," I said.

"Yup."

"More than once."

"True," she said, unaffected.

"Why did I do that?" I asked.

"Well, the first time I think you felt bad for me and the second you were nervous and needed to calm down."

Why did she know me better than I did?

"Still…" I said.

"Does it matter?" She asked.

"Of course it matters," I said, realizing.

I waited a beat before remembering. "Shit. It's your birthday…"

"Karma, forget about that, really."

"No, I want to do something for you."

"Why?"

"You've already done a lot for me," I said stubbornly.

"Okay," she laughed. "Fine, what should we do?"

"I dunno," I sighed.

"I have an idea," she smiled, pulling me along to follow her back to her car.

I felt nervous but oddly safe with her. Any other person might set me on edge. Amy excluded, obviously.

Haley drove us a long way until we got to an unfamiliar road and the car began to climb and then climb.

"What's this place?" I asked.

"It's my favorite," she said.

I stayed quiet as the dreamy music played. Halfway up the hill I scooted over next to her and laid my body into hers. I wanted to feel comfort again. She was good at that, good at comforting me.

We were almost there and I nearly fell asleep when I felt the car finally park.

"Come on," she said. She pulled something from the glove compartment and then a blanket from the backseat.

I followed her outside and saw that she was spreading a blanket out beneath a tree near a cliff.

"Wow," I said. Looking up, I seemed to see a million stars. "I've never seen the sky like this."

"Come on," she said, she'd sat down and motioned for me to join her so I did.

We laid back and looked down on the lights of Austin.

"This place is crazy beautiful."

"I have a friend who lives out here. We used to come here all the time."

"Why'd you stop?" I asked.

"She got a boyfriend, too busy."

"Oh," I sighed, cuddling up to her and taking the flask from her hand. I took a few large sips and sighed. All I wanted to say was, I wish Amy was here…

Naturally, I kept that to myself.

"You're thinking about her aren't you?"

"I don't think I can stop," I said.

"And that's perfectly okay," she hugged me close.

"Why didn't you answer earlier when Jess called?"

"I just… Know," she said.

"What do you know?" I took the flask back and drank again.

"I know she wanted to see me and it's not fair for her to want that today."

"Why not?"

"Every other day I've wanted to see her. If I saw her today I'm 100% sure it would've been the best day of my life."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It would be bad…"

"Why?"

"I'd rather see her every day of the year and have her be mad at me than see her only on my birthday and have her doing the things she's wanted to do for 364 other days out of the year…"

"Oh," I sighed… I guess that made sense, but how could she know that it would only be one day?

She sighed, sensing my confusion.

"What if it was your birthday today and Amy came back? Would you feel like she came back because she loved you or would you feel like she came back out of guilt?"

"Both, probably," I confessed.

"And what would you do? If she was here…"

"I'd kiss her," I confessed. Ever since she left I'd been wondering about what it would really feel like to kiss her now after everything we'd done, everything we'd been through.

"That's very interesting," Haley smiled. I looked up at her and noticed her lips. Wanting to kiss Amy transferred to wanting to kiss Haley.

My eyes fell and we were kissing again only this time surrounded by darkness and silence with no one else around and nothing to stop us or distract.

I lay down on the blanket and let Haley make me feel.

"Would you kiss her like this? Out here in front of the stars..." Haley asked, hovering over me and taking me in.

"I dunno," I said. "I don't think I'm brave enough to try something like-"

She dipped down again and tasted me, stopping me from thinking.

I closed my eyes and imagined Amy, imagined it was her kissing me under the blanket of stars the real stars. It tasted better that way, a million times better, even though...

A moan escaped me and Haley smiled.

"And what else would you do?" Haley asked, sounding curious and breathless.

I reached my hand up beneath her shirt and felt her skin.

Haley dipped down and licked my neck. My whole body lit up with feeling.

"I'd ask her to touch me," I panted breathlessly, realizing.

It might've been the booze. It might've been the distance. All of a sudden all I wanted was to feel Amy again, to get her to touch me. To know something for certain, to know what it would feel like, to know how I would feel if she did.

Haley leaned into me with her whole body, her leg moved between mine as she dragged her body up on me and whispered closely into my ear. "Touch you where?" She asked.

"Here," I said, my eyes pinched closed as I pulled Haley's hand from my stomach and led it down to my jeans until her thumb hooked under the hem and all her fingers dragged against my center where her leg had recently been.

"And how do you think that would feel," she asked, unbuttoning my pants and sliding her hand inside over my underwear until she felt my damp heat.

"I- dunno," I panted, my strength draining. She had me paralyzed.

She moved her fingers up and down, sliding them down and then up again.

"Do you think you might like it," she asked, teasing me there.

"I think so," I gulped, loving the feel of it, of her, I realized. This was Haley. This was not Amy.

It was wrong. I realized suddenly.

I pulled her hand away and moved back on my hands until I was free of her.

"What is it?"

"I- I'm sorry," I said. "I just. I can't."

"Don't be sorry," she said, for the second time in two days. She walked close to me on all fours and pulled my forehead into her lips to lay a soft kiss just there. "I shouldn't have done that," she said.

"It's not you," I said. "You're really great. And sexy and-"

She rolled back over to my side until she was comfortable and sitting next to me. She grabbed the flask from my side. She seemed settled but a bit bummed. "It's Amy," she said. "Don't worry, I know."

"What?"

"You want to do these things with her," she said. "I get it." Maybe the song gave it away...

"Well, I didn't know I wanted-"

"But you do, right?"

"I think so," I said.

"That's good. Believe me. I just wish Jess had someone to get her to realize it."

"She has you," I said.

"If Amy tried to do that with you it wouldn't have worked."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I realized how turned on I was, how flustered, how new. The thought of Amy doing.. THAT was just never something I had. I dunno…

"If Amy tried that you'd be too confused to know it was something you wanted."

"I dunno," I said. "Amy's never-"

"Believe me," Haley said.

"Okay…" I hated that this was Haley's birthday.

I waited a few seconds before deciding to speak. "I think you should go see Jess."

"Why?" Haley asked.

"She wants to love you," I said. "Especially today."

"Love is more than another naked night. I don't think Jess wants what you want with Amy."

"What do I want?" I asked. My whole life could be easier if someone would just tell me.

"You want to always have Amy's love." I didn't need anyone to tell me that. That was something I already knew to be true.

"So how is it different?" I asked.

"Jess doesn't want me to love her. And she'd rather be in love with any lame guy out there than me. It really doesn't make a girl feel good to know that."

"That's horrible," I said.

"Believe me, I know…"

"Call her out on it," I said.

"It won't fix anything. She'll still leave me. I'll still know the truth."

I didn't know what to say.

"It's okay, Karma. It's not your fault. I was just curious, really. It was the kiss at the club."

"Haley, I am so sorry."

"Karma," she laughed. "We were just exploring. It's normal. Plus, do you know how exciting it is to know that you really do want Amy? Gives a girl hope…"

I laid down on her side and held her arm.

I didn't know what to say. I felt like falling asleep with her really.

"Come on, let's get you home," she said, probably knowing I was emotionally compromised for the night.

I wasn't sure if she knew about Amy's promise or not, what I was sure about was my own confusion. Haley got me to say things and do things I hadn't thought about. The more I did think about them the more alive I felt and less confused.

Halfway home I couldn't help but speak again. "She doesn't deserve you," I said.

"I'm sure someone's telling Amy that about you right about now."

"I hope not," I laughed. "Even if it's true…"

Haley laughed too.

When we finally got home I didn't know what to say.

"You swimming tomorrow?"

"Bright and early," she said.

"I'll be there," I said.

"My hero," she teased.

"Shut up," I threw a piece of trash at her and she swatted it away.

"Call her," she said. "And tell her the truth about tonight, okay? It's my birthday wish so you have to do it." She seemed surprisingly happy given everything. If she wasn't a ridiculously honest person I might think it was all an act.

"You're too good to me," I said, locking eyes with her and wondering what could've happened if I hadn't stopped. I don't think I would've minded all too much. But I wanted it to be Amy. My first time with a girl. No matter what, it would have to be with Amy and no one else.

"Yea well, I'm a creature of habit," she said, repeating something she said yesterday something I hadn't thought about again until now.

"Happy Birthday Haley."

"Goodnight Karma," she said. "Call her."

I closed the door and watched as her car rolled away. It was a mess of a night but at least it somewhat helped me to see a few things.


	11. Chapter 11

_*trying to wind this one down so that we don't have another never-ending story fiasco*_

 _*i definitely want to finish before the new season starts up*_

 _*sorry for all the typos and mistakes. i just want to get this stuff out of me and up for people to read. i'm definitely not shooting for perfection.*_

 **Chapter 11**

I passed my parents juice truck in the backyard of our half-way house. I could hear laughter from inside and the sound of music. Guess they prefer the outdoors to the garage. I guess we're a lot similar in that way. I crawled into my tent and laid down on my back.

I needed to call Amy but I was scared.

I rolled over onto my side and stared at my phone.

What would she think of me now…

I needed her.

I needed her so much.

I always needed her.

Did she feel like this? Did she always feel like this?

I sat up and tucked my knees into myself as I pressed the button. The phone rang.

"Karma?"

"Hi," I said, alone again.

"Hi," she said.

"Can you talk now?" I asked. It hurt to know how much there probably was to say. It hurt to be too far away to touch and see each other.

Everything hurt.

"Yeah, hold on," she said. I could hear talking in the room and her body moving around. Then I heard a door shut and her voice came back to me.

"Hey," she said. "How was the open mic night?"

"Uh- it was good," I lied. I felt a muscle in my neck pull just a bit.

"Really?"

"Yeah," I lied again. "Well, it was fine," I said.

"What'd you sing?"

I hadn't expected her to ask me that.

"I don't think you know it," I said.

"I'll look it up. What is it?"

"Um.. It's called The Ponytail Parades by Emery. I don't even know how I found it. I was just bored two nights ago and listening to covers on youtube. I found this one by Adalie. I've just been sort of consumed by it ever since. I tried to learn it but it was a lot harder than I thought it'd be so I slowed it down a little and changed the vocal arrangement to fit my voice."

"Nice," I heard typing and then a sweet pensive, "hmm." She must've brought her laptop with her.

"Where are you?" I asked. I heard the intro to that youtube video. The nice boy talking. It made me nervous.

"Oh, um, I don't even know," she laughed. "Some town in the middle of nowhere."

"No I mean, are you in a room?"

"No, no. I'm outside the room on the balcony. It overlooks the pool. It's nice out. A little warm..."

She was quiet for a second. I wondered what she was thinking.

Then the song started up. I sat silent while she listened. It scared me though, to know she was listening to those words. The song felt so personal.

The words confused me a bit. Sometimes I felt like it was Amy's story and sometimes I felt like it was mine. Somehow that was my favorite thing about the song. Even in music we're entangled.

 _ **Three sleepless nights**_

 _ **This isn't how it's supposed to be.**_

 _ **But you're so good at**_

 _ **taking your time to get back to me.**_

 _ **I will wait for you forever,**_

 _ **if you would just ask me.**_

 _ **I thought that I could change you**_

 _ **but you changed me.**_

 _ **It doesn't feel right,**_

 _ **holding someone else's hand.**_

 _ **Together on phone lines,**_

 _ **and living at two opposite ends.**_

 _ **It scares me to think,**_

 _ **that you could find takers other than me**_

 _ **and better than me.**_

 _ **But your head is elsewhere,**_

 _ **and I'm talking enough for both of us.**_

 _ **When will you see it's not (it's not) so easy for me**_

 _ **You're careless, and whispered, insulting, and bruising.**_

 _ **(I fall from you eyes, your eyes I trusted)**_

 _ **And I thought that you said things were improving.**_

 _ **(I fall from you eyes, you said forever)**_

 _ **These laces are untied, (I fall from you eyes...)**_

 _ **but my feet are still walking away.**_

 _ **Away**_

 _ **I never thought that you could say these words.**_

 _ **Is this really happening?**_

 _ **I never thought that you could say these words. (Don't say...)**_

 _ **Is this really happening?**_

 _ **I never thought that you could say these words. (Don't say that we can...)**_

 _ **Is this really happening?**_

 _ **I never thought that you could say these words. (Don't say that we can still be...)**_

 _ **Is this really happening?**_

 _ **I never thought that you could say these words. (Don't say that we can still be friends)**_

 _ **Is this really happening?**_

 _ **Erase my name from this page.**_

 _ **How can you take all these days**_

 _ **(What is inside of me what have I done?)**_

 _ **and throw them away**_

 _ **(Is this the only way that you will notice me?)**_

 _ **as I sit here waiting for you (for you)**_

 _ **(Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)**_

 _ **I stay up nights**_

 _ **(If you are still pretending this is what's right)**_

 _ **until stars leave the sky**_

 _ **(Why can't you look at me can you only see?)**_

 _ **knowing what my dreams can take away**_

 _ **(One side, your side, can take away)**_

 _ **Walk away from me.**_

 _ **This night is done.**_

There was silence once it ended.

"Wow," she said. "That was…"

"Amy-"

"This is about me," she said, cutting me off.

"It-it is," I said. I was glad she knew it though.

"Karma, I don't understand," she began.

"What's there to understand?" I asked, sure I was distracting from the point.

"You kissed someone, right?"

"I did but. Only because you weren't here."

"Karma…"

"No, I mean it. I. You know me. I've never really thought about doing things with a girl. Not the way that you…"

"That I?"

"Well, you know…"

"Enlighten me." She said. I could just hear her folding her arms from a distance.

"Okay, well. I haven't really thought about this stuff until now."

"What stuff."

"Talking to Haley sort of made me realize a lot of things."

"What sort of things?"

"I never thought of you thinking of me…" I said. It was hard to explain without going into detail. I hoped she understood.

"I'm always thinking about you Karma, you know that. What are you even talking about?"

"Kissing me," I whispered. I was in my tent all alone. There was no one around to hear but somehow it all felt delicate so I whispered.

"We've kissed a lot. I'm in love with you. Of course I wanted to kiss you."

"Okay. Touching me," I said, this time a bit louder a bit more bold.

"Okay," she laughed. "What the hell did you and Haley talk about?"

I laughed too. We got pretty personal right away.

"You," I smiled. "Us"

Amy let out a sigh and she was quiet for a while.

"Does it upset you, knowing?" Amy asked.

"Knowing what?"

"That I want to touch you?"

"What? No. No. Of course not. That could never upset me."

"Okay…" I could hear the wheels turning in her head. She was trying to get the point out of me but the point was elusive. There were too many points. "What are you thinking?" She asked.

"I'm thinking… I wish I understood that before."

"Why?"

"I just… I wish I'd known that you were thinking of me like that, really thinking that."

"What else could I have been thinking?"

"You're asking too many questions Amy, I feel like you're upset with me when I talk."

"Of course I'm upset," she laughed. "I'm far away from you and you're just now starting to think about me. It's frustrating, Karma."

"I wish I was with you," I said. There was nothing else truer. Nothing else I could say that felt right and real and solid.

"Well… You're not," she said.

"Can I see you?"

I dunno why I asked. Getting to her would be an obstacle and who knew how far away she was or how much it would cost or whether or not my parents would even let me go.

"Sure," she said. "When?"

"I dunno," I sighed. "As soon as possible," I decided. "As soon as I can get to you."

"Okay…" She said. But I could hear it in her, this doubt about me. I could hear it and I knew it was valid. I wouldn't trust me. Not if I was Amy. I wouldn't trust me at all. I'd fucked up too much to be trusted. I knew that.

"Where are you?" I asked.

It felt so wrong all of a sudden, to not even know.

"California," she said, shocking me. "In the mountains."

"I didn't even know California had mountains."

"They do," she said. "This place is so beautiful. I think we're staying around here all week. It was all desert for miles and then we climbed this rocky road in our van. The elevation signs just kept getting higher and higher. It was like we were driving all the way up into the sky. Like on a roller coaster when you know soon you're going to reach the top and go racing down. When we finally got to the top and the road started going down again we were all shocked."

"Why shocked?"

"We were on top of the world," she laughed. "All we could see looking down were the tops of these huge pine trees and this one never-ending blue lake. Like an ocean..."

"I wanna come," I said. "I wanna see you." The way she talked, it always broke me. She could weave miracles out of the mundane. Not that her story right now was mundane. It was enchanting. She was enchanting.

"Okay," she said. I wondered if she thought I was joking. Or maybe she thought I was just bored without her? I dunno. It upset me though, not knowing.

"I've been working this summer to help my parents but I don't care."

"Karma…"

"I mean it. I just want to be with you. I feel like I'm dying back here all alone."

"You're not dying," she laughed.

"You don't get it. You think I'm being dramatic. You don't understand what it feels like to be left by the only person who ever really loved you."

She was silent.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice shaky. "I mean it though, I'm going crazy back here. I'm not living. I'm just waiting," I cried. It was hard not to be angry.

"Waiting for what?"

"For you." I said plainly. And here I thought that part was obvious. "Look, if you don't want me to come I'll-"

"I want you," she said, stopping me. "I always want you."

"Okay," I said, deciding it. "Then I'm coming."

"Okay," she said. But I could tell she was worried.

"Why did you leave?" I squeaked.

"I was mad at you," she said.

"Yeah but… You left," I could barely make words.

"I know," she said. No apology. No explanation.

"Look, I know it was fucked up. What I did... But I didn't mean to. And I didn't even get to-"

"That was half of the problem," she said.

"I know," I cried. I'd made a mess of us. I really had.

"What about Haley?" She asked. "The one who looks like me and reminds you of me..."

Hearing my words back, they felt so wrong. I should never have told her that. Even if it was the honest truth.

"She isn't you," I said. "No one can ever be you."

There was so much to say but all the words seemed to hurt so I avoided them.

I heard Amy move just a bit on the line and then the song started up again and we listened to it together.

"Really sounds like you're in love with me," she said after a while.

"I know," I laughed lightly. It sounded that way because it was true.

"Not that you ever weren't," she teased.

"Shut up," I laughed. I'd been crying. It felt good to laugh.

"Will you sing to me?" She asked.

"Of course," I said. I loved singing for her.

"Will you sing _**this**_ song?" She asked cautiously.

"Yeah," I said, realizing I was going to have to. I grabbed my guitar and put it over my lap. "Hang-on, I'll video-call you." I brought up the camera and tried to brace myself for seeing her but I knew it'd be hard so I rushed it. I dialed the number and when she answered I immediately started to smile, tears pouring out of me, relief hitting me like a solid wall. I could breathe and I needed to. I needed more air. Much more. I felt my heart speed up and my cheeks flush red.

"There she is," Amy smiled too. It'd been a long time since we'd seen each other. Too long.

"Okay," I said, trying to gather myself. "Here goes."


	12. Chapter 12

_*they're finally together in this chapter*_

 _*added a lil bit of reagan breakin' karma's balls because hell yea hell yea*_

 _*over-protective ex is a yes*_

 **Chapter 12**

 **Part I**

I know Amy described it but I wasn't expecting to see something so beautiful. My uber car came up over the same dirt mountain Amy must've driven and my eyes were met by the sight she had previously described of the pine-tree-tops and the lake so blue and so large that it did seem a vast ocean.

My heart raced in my chest. With that sight, I knew, I was getting closer to her. Even inside the car, I could feel the strange hot wind.

Getting out of work was easy, Shane covered for me. I called Haley in the middle of the morning and was happy when she didn't answer. She was either asleep or having fun and both of those options meant she was not preoccupied with any grief over me. As soon as I landed in Reno I called her again though. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. I wanted to thank her again for showing so many things. More than anything though I wanted to know if she went to see her friend.

The verdict was a yes.

"So?" I asked. It felt strange to feel so close to her. Hard to explain.

"So?" She answered, teasing me.

"So, how'd it go?"

"It. It went," she teased matter-of-factly.

"Come on," I said, more frustrated then she could know. "How'd it really go?"

"It went well. And I'm seeing her tonight," she said.

"Are you really?"

"Why would I lie?" She laughed.

"I dunno," I said, my throat tightening. "Maybe you didn't want me to think I hurt your feelings."

"You didn't hurt my feelings," she laughed. "And this has nothing to do with you."

"Oh right, nothing to do with your hero," I teased.

"Fine," she sighed. I could tell though that she was smiling. "Jess and I talked. A lot."

"About?"

"What do you think?"

"I dunno," I sighed. She was making it difficult. "School? Boys?"

"Okay, well, for one, I told her all about you."

"What?!"

"Oh yeah, you should've seen her face."

"What'd you say?!"

"I told her a lot about how you were obviously having romantic feelings for your best friend. About how you thought I looked like her and you instantly liked me for that."

"You didn't."

"Oh yes, I did!"

"What else did you say?"

"I told her about how close to me you were on our coffee date and how beautiful you are."

"Haley…" I wasn't sure quite how to talk about that. I didn't feel beautiful.

"I showed her pictures from your facebook."

"Haley!"

"What?!"

"Why did you do that?!"

"Why not?!" She asked.

"I dunno," I sighed. It made me uncomfortable. "Were you just…"

"What? Karma. No. I wasn't using you."

"Okay…"

"Were you?" She asked.

"No." I said, so quickly it nearly surprised me. "I just-"

"Liked you." She said, agreeing, understanding.

"Yeah," I sighed. But I wanted to know…

"She was mad," Haley said. "It was the first time I had a birthday that she wasn't a part of and she had been trying to reach me for a while to plan something but I'd been avoiding her for obvious reasons."

"Haley…"

"I know… I know. But how was I supposed to know she was actually missing me and not just having a few lonely nights of boredom?"

"True," I said. Talking to Haley was so odd because it made me realize how different it was to think like Amy. The thought of Amy feeling like I only liked her when I was bored? God, that cut deep. But she was right. They both were. I needed to be more conscious of my actions and words and choices, more aware of everything. If Haley felt that way about Jess there was sure to be a valid reason.

"She broke up with her boyfriend about a month ago. I didn't even know."

"Did she say why?"

"She didn't, no, but… She was different."

"How?"

"Bruised," she said. "I guess…"

"How do you know he didn't break up with her?"

"People don't break up with her. They fall in love with her."

I flexed my fingers and looked down at my nails. Did Amy think of me this way? Talk of me this way? Was I this much of a disaster?

"How'd you know she was bruised?"

"I just knew," Haley said. "Jess isn't often down. Sure, she can be introspective at times, but this was different."

"Oh," I said, hoping she'd finish the story and let me know what really went on. When she didn't talk I pushed. "So, what happened?"

"It was sweet. She gave me this diary she'd been keeping in secret. It was all about me."

"Really?"

"Yeah… It was… Comprehensive."

That word somehow hurt.

"The way she felt about me? The way she felt about feeling what she felt about me? The way she got through it emotionally?" Haley felt too far away now. I wanted to see that diary so bad. I wanted to read it. Talk about it. "She let me read it, let me see her figuring it all out on her own."

"Did she?"

"Yeah… It just… It took a long time. It took her missing me."

"Oh," I said. At the time in the call I had wished I was closer to Amy. I was still minutes from the stunning peak overlooking the lake and feeling guilty, so very guilty overall.

Now I feel a bit better. Haley told me that kissing Jess after everything just felt like coming home. She said the time was necessary and that it was a good thing for both of them. She wouldn't want Jess pretending to feel something or pretending that she was okay with her feelings when she really wasn't.

Haley sounded so much like Amy sometimes it killed.

That was when I knew that she hadn't been lying though, that I hadn't hurt her after all. She was all wrapped up in Jess. I think I lost track of that somewhere along the line. I think I actually thought she could be over her or something. It was stupid. No one gets over anyone that fast. Well, I mean, unless they were never really under them to begin with. Love is, it's like a spell.

We agreed to meet up when I get back. I hope we do. The most important thing about it all though is that Haley actually sounded happy.

I hoped for the best but knew I was more likely to ruin things with Amy then fix them.

I had to tell myself to do better.

I had to brace myself for telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.

So help me, so help me.

 **Part II**

It took a long time to get close to her. Once I saw the lake I thought for sure I'd be stopping at a hotel within five minutes but that wasn't the case.

"You thought you'd be there by now, huh?" The driver asked once we had more than leveled out.

"Yeah," I laughed.

"You're lucky," he said sweetly. He was a nice older man. "A lot of people have to go all the way around the lake. You just have to go a little ways."

"Guess you're right if that's true," I smiled.

"You have family here?"

"A friend," I said.

"Romantic or other?"

"Romantic," I said, looking down again at my hands and noticing that this time they were definitely shaking.

"Well, I bet he'll be happy to see you."

"I hope so," I said, keeping it to myself that Amy Raudenfeld was very much a girl.

"Why wouldn't he? Pretty girl like yourself!"

"I. He wants to date. I'm not sure we should."

"But you said it was romantic?"

"I know," I smiled. "Friends can be romantic." I didn't know what else to really say. It already felt like I was lying to this man. I didn't like saying she was a he.

"Have you ever kissed him?"

"I have," I nodded, raising my eyebrows. It was a personal question.

"And what about now? Will you kiss him when you see him?"

"I'd like to," I said, hesitating a bit. "In private though."

I wanted Amy to know it wasn't about anyone else, just her and me. This time I'd do it sober. This time I'd do it right.

This time I wanted to remember how it felt. This time I was ready to feel her.

"Sounds romantic to me," he said. "Most people your age don't care where they kiss. Most people your age don't want to kiss each other unless they've found the one."

"True," I agreed.

"My wife is making dinner if you two want a home cooked meal."

"That's sweet of you, thanks. We have reservations though." I wasn't about to bring a girl with me to this nice man's house.

A home cooked meal in a strange new place was always nice though…

I tried to brace myself for meeting Amy. The closer I got the more nervous I was.

I just wanted to hold her again and know we weren't done.

"Here it is!" The man said. To my surprise, the man's car pulled into a random drive-way. I had thought she would be in a hotel. But this was the address she'd sent via text. And this was not a hotel. This was a cabin, and a sweet one at that.

"Wow," I said. "I didn't expect a house!"

"A lot of people rent up here. Tahoe is filled with vacation homes."

"Oh," I said. I showed the man my phone and placed a tip on the arm rest by his side.

"Well kiddo, you've got my number! If things go sour feel free to come on down."

"Thanks," I smiled. I didn't want to consider things going sour.

I got out of the car and pulled my small bag with me as well.

Amy hadn't come out to meet me, so she hadn't been waiting with her eyes glued to the window like I would've been if it were me inside waiting.

The man drove away and I waved.

Walking up to the cabin, it was so quiet. I realized that maybe I should've knocked quickly before my driver had gone. But he was right. I did know how to find him.

I walked the drive and took the wooden steps slowly. As I came closer there was laughter. It startled me.

And then the door swung open and Amy came out and scooped me up, hugging me hard.

I felt my body safe against hers.

"Karmaaa!" She growled sweetly, demonstrating her strength in the hug. "I'm so glad you're here!" Her voice softened. "They are driving me nuts, you have no fucking clue."

"I missed you," I said, squeezing her back and loving the feel of her. When Amy hugged me I felt so completely held.

She let go and stepped back. Someone behind her had come and tugged at her shirt, pulling her away from me. I looked at the same time as Amy and noticed that it wasn't just someone, it was Reagan.

"Heyyyy! Look who it is," she said, stepping close. There was a moment in which I wondered what I should do. Reagan saw it though and took the lead, pulling me in gently for a semi-awkward yet friendly hug. "The trouble maker, at long last," she teased.

"Hi Reagan," I said.

"We were all wondering when you'd come." She said. "You're not here to fuck with her again, are you?" She asked this under baited breath. She said it low but I knew that Amy must've heard.

"I hope not," I said. "Are you?"

"Alright, alright, Reagan. Back away, I've got this."

"Yeah well, for whatever it's worth," Reagan said. "It's good to see you again red. The more the merrier."

Amy tugged Reagan away and pushed her off toward the door. I watched Reagan go in before looking back to Amy.

"You weren't really expecting that, were you?"

"Uh, no, no," I tried to gather myself.

"Come on," Amy said, pulling my hand excitedly and taking me inside.

I followed behind her and felt instantly out of place. I didn't like that there were so many people. How could we be alone? And worse, what if she didn't want to be alone?

She looked so happy but it didn't seem like any of that was about me. Not that it had to be but… I hadn't seen her for a while. She should care right? She should miss me?

Shit.. I feel like an ass.

"Everyone, this is Karma."

"Heyyy," a few of the girls said at once. I heard more laughing from the other room.

"Ignore them. They've been drinking and they're-" Amy made a gesture to imply that they were high.

"Oh," I said, collecting information. I tried to remember the faces of the ones who were out of it and the ones who were not. Just for reference.

"See what you've been missin' princess?" Reagan teased.

"Dammit Reagan! Leave her alone!" Amy shouted. But Amy wasn't mad. There was a beat of tease in them both. They'd obviously talked a lot about everything.

I hated feeling foreign. I hated feeling left out. I hated feeling like no matter what anyone said I wasn't really invited or welcome.

My stomach turned and made a horrible sound so I held it.

"Shit," Amy said, turning around and staring. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I lied. "It was just-"

"She's fine," Reagan said. "She just wants to get you alone, obviously."

"Hey," Amy said. But Reagan was right. That is what I wanted. "Right," she realized. "I'm a horrible host. Again."

"Wait, what do you mean again?"

"Lauren came to visit last week," she laughed. "We were in Vegas and then Salt Lake. She would NOT stop talking about how horrible I was at taking care of a guest."

"Oh," I said. Of course Lauren even came before me. I was so stupid.

"Yeah," Reagan laughed. "I take it back Karma, you're hot but you're not annoyingly bossy enough for that princess title. Lauren Cooper deserves it. I apologize."

"Will you just go?" Amy said, pushing Reagan away. It was obvious that Reagan had been drinking too. It was obvious that nothing she said was meant to bruise.

"Shit. Okay, I did not want you to have to deal with any of this," Amy said, turning toward me and facing me at last. It was weird because before when she hugged me she hadn't even taken the time to see me. Now though she was looking but we were in front of other people and Reagan had said too many things and I just felt put out. It must've been all over my face because Amy went into panic mode. "Right," she said, taking my hand with force and pulling me after her up the stairs.

The place was small but there was an upstairs and that nearly shocked me. The narrow lil stairs were almost dangerous. Amy caught me when I slipped. She was faster than me. I must've been tired after the flight. It was either that or I was in shock.

She pulled me into a large room that looked to be a hangout-space of sorts. There were blankets and sleeping bags about and a large tv and a record player and a pool table among other things like chairs and couches. We kept going though. Eventually we hit a smaller room.

"This is home for now," Amy said. She pulled me into the room and let go of me, walking inside of it. I watched her. She seemed nervous. She walked to the window and looked out. "I talked to the girls and they agreed to give us the room since you're visiting."

"Seems like you've been having a lot of fun," I said. I didn't expect it but I felt upset.

"We make do," Amy said. "I can sleep on the floor if you want. In the other room even. I'm just glad you're here."

She looked back at me though and gave me the sweetest little smile. In front of the window, seeming calm again, she was so very Amy that all those feelings in me just sort of rushed back like a returning wave.

She looked back at me. I guess I was quiet for too long.

"What? What is it?" She asked. When she stared at me now though I could tell she could feel our fate hanging between us so uncertain again and thick.

"You're just…" I walked two steps until I could come close and touch her again.

"I'm just?" She asked, scared. She wouldn't look at me. She felt me though, she felt me so much and I could tell. It was like she was collapsing inside of herself, unsure of what I could possibly think of her right now.

I sighed and rest my hands on her shoulder and my face on my hands. "Beautiful," I said, staring. I missed seeing her so much it was all I could think about now. Reagan was right, I did need her alone.

I stared over at her, pulled the loose hair from her eyes and watched as she tried to handle my eyes on her.

"Karma… Look." She tried to speak but I couldn't let her, not right now. I let my hand pull her face into meet mine. My lips were ready. My heart raced. I'd flown hundreds of miles just to be with her. With all that in mind, it was time and I was ready. I let myself really kiss her, taking her lips against mine and feeling her nervous breath in my mouth, the way she shivered and hesitated.

She was scared to touch me and I was ready to be touched, too ready.

My hands were all over her somehow, one of them pushing up into her hair. My mouth opening wider as she let herself in again, this time more than last. Her tongue surged over mine and I felt the move of it much lower, the way it swiped and swelled. I felt it everywhere.

"Mmmm," I hummed in her mouth, without meaning to. She opened wider and I gasped for air before she attacked me again, kissing me harder and wanting to feel.

For a second she'd managed to erase all of my thoughts. She'd chased them away and lifted me up in her arms, taken me somewhere sacred, somewhere great.

When my thoughts returned they were all about how I knew I couldn't explain.

How could I explain that I really did fly all the way up to California just to fucking kiss her like this? Just to know how it felt. To know anything about us for sure? Just to taste her again like she was this near extinct bottled wine and I a poor yet addicted connoisseur.

"Karma," she whimpered, pulling away but holding my body close with her fingers at my hips.

"Don't stop," I begged. "Please don't stop." I felt like crying. If she stopped I would cry. I knew it.

"I-I can't," she said, all her strength zapped, her sound close to weeping.

"No. You can." I pushed, needing her. Using my hand, I pulled her face back to meet mine. I took the kiss I needed, the kiss I wanted to keep feeling, the kiss that was home just like Haley said. She was home.

Every taste felt more intense. Every touch a sweetness I couldn't quite handle. I felt myself weak but needing her. This was home. This _**was**_ home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

I led her back, pushing her to let herself give in. Her knees must've hit the mattress of the bed because soon they bent and my legs came up beside her thighs as she sat down and allowed her hands to pull me closer to her body, as close as I could get.

Atop of her, and happy, I stopped a moment to take her in.

Her eyes slowly opened as she dreamily smiled. "You're not drunk," she said.

"I'm not drunk," I smiled back, taking her face in both of my hands and leaning over her to kiss her again.

She was so good at kissing. Liam never kissed this way and neither did Haley.

Kissing Amy was like losing myself. If I pulled away at all she got me back.

When Amy kissed me everything in the world sort of melted away. All I could feel was her.

Our bodies spoke a different language, both calling and answering. We knew each other's mannerisms far too well.

Her hands came up my back, under my shirt, while she kissed me. I felt my body sparking inside, like a string of fireworks shooting off inside my body and, instead of damaging me she sparked intense pleasure, a feeling I never felt before, a feeling I needed.

I moaned in her mouth, it was all so much. So much that I'd never felt before.

She twisted her body and pushed me down onto the mattress, kissing me slower and whimpering too. She kissed me like it hurt to be deprived of kissing me for so long. That's the only way I can explain it. But it felt so different than everything else. It wasn't an act, it wasn't a show, it wasn't a preset decision on my part to do this or do that, to impact her in a way and get her to do a certain thing. The only thing I knew going in was that I wanted to kiss her and let myself feel how that felt. That's all that was happening and somehow that was worlds more intense than everything else I had done up until now.

Somehow, someway, Amy finally got me to let go.

She kissed me both soft and hard. She touched me similarly taking advantage and probably knowing that this was the first time I'd let go with anyone.

When she touched me my body reacted. It was hard not to feel every single feeling like it was this huge fucking thing. But that's exactly how it was. She touched me and I let her. She asked for me and I gave to her.

This was so far from Liam it was almost disturbing. But she couldn't know that. She couldn't possible know how scared and vulnerable I actually felt.

At one point though, she must've sensed my inner panic.

"You're being so quiet," she said, nuzzling her nose into my neck as her entire body pressed onto mine and made me feel the weight of her, the weight of us finally together, finally like this.

I let out a few quick breaths. "Is that weird?" I asked nervously. I thought back on the things I had done. She was right, I was never quiet for this long while with someone this way. Again though, she couldn't know that.

"No," she said, kissing my neck softly and then my cheek. She must've known.

Slowly, she made her way back to my lips. I felt how hungry she was, how not timid, not scared, and I felt jealous of that, so very jealous.

But I had starved her. I had starved her so much and what for? The whole time I was just unsure so I said no. The whole time I Was just scared and refusing to say yes to something that could potentially drive her away from me forever.

No big deal, right? Amy getting sick of me? Amy getting tired of me? Amy having me like this and then maybe possibly deciding that I'm really not her favorite person in the world?

My thoughts raced at all that went unspoken. Until Amy pushed her body up onto mine just a tad, dragging her thigh against my center as she kissed me so very slowly. This time I felt the fireworks behind my eyes. Such little pressure from her lit me up inside and shut up my thoughts.

I felt her smile into her kiss when she noticed. I felt her smile and them practically hum.

"I knew it," she said, rolling off of me and onto her back.

I felt dazed and almost attacked but in a good way. The room was so hot. My face was hot. My body was hot. When I looked over at Amy, she was holding her head with closed eyes. She was panting just as much as I was and smiling. God, I missed that smile so much.

"What?" I asked nervously. I would hate to have done something wrong or stupid. I rolled over onto my side and tugged at her shirt over her stomach, balling the fabric into my fist and pulling it to rattle her.

"Nothing," she said. "Don't worry about it." She looked so happy and she let her hand fall down over mine until it covered it completely and reminded me of home.

Then the door flew open and Reagan came halfway into the room still clinging onto the knob. She had a leather jacket on now and a pair of shades.

"Alright lovebirds, I'm going into town to get food," she said. "Train leaves in 5!"

As quickly as she had swung right in she swung right back out. We both stared at the door once it had slammed and let out a sigh before looking over at each other again.

Amy turned her body on its side to face mine. She pulled our hands up between us until they were just near our chins.

"Okay," she said, her smile still unable to leave her. "Tell me you felt that."

I tried not to laugh. "An astronaut watching from space must've felt that," I said.

She laughed too.

Curious, or rather, worried, I scooted in closer and allowed myself to kiss her again. I wanted to feel her again, that feeling of knowing that, even though I was getting a lot, I wanted more. But mostly I wanted to know that she didn't hate me.

Within a second of my kiss we were both smiling, Amy more than me.

Surprising me though, Amy pushed at my chest to keep me away. "We really don't have food," she whined sweetly. And here I thought we could take advantage of the alone time and just stay like this, feel this more.

"Shit," I said, taking in her eyes and her lips.

"Come on, it'll be fast, I promise."

She leaned in and placed a sweet kiss on my forehead. I could hear her breathing me in. She moved around me and put on her shoes. I watched her lazily from the bed, feeling a mixture of things, mainly a pang of sadness that we couldn't just be the only two people in existence anymore.

When she looked over and noticed my forlorn stare she crawled toward me on her knees and took my hand.

"Believe me, there's nothing I'd rather do than keep kissing you all night. But after two hours of nothing but kissing a person gets hungry, Karma. Really hungry. And the stores around here close really early and I don't want to be that girl who can't feed you."

I laughed.

She was right.

With nothing much to compare it to, I thought of Liam. I'd noticed that about him, the long periods of kissing caused him hunger, but I never felt that myself, not with him. Usually kissing just felt sort of ritualistic and then when it stopped it stopped and whatever happened next happened next. I never really understood why sometimes it was different for him or why sometimes we kissed so short or so long. For me it was just a thing that we did.

I hated myself for not knowing the whole time that to kiss was to feel like this. No wonder Amy was so frustrated with me. This wasn't some act without feeling. This act could really drain you.

With Amy, I got lost in the kissing. I was really starting to understand Liam now though it would do me nothing but cause me guilt. I didn't want him. This was undeniable proof. Amy and I had only been together a few minutes, maybe a half hour tops but we spent the bulk of that time kissing and I felt sweaty and soft like every touch and breath of hers could really break me. When she kissed me like he did I turned into a pile of mush. There was really so much of a difference that I felt like screaming. But I couldn't scream. It would confuse Amy and make her crazy.

Instead I held it all in and tried to calm it all. Mostly though I just wanted to be kissing her. I just wanted it to never stop.

She tugged at my hand and I got up lazily and allowed her to pull me back out of the room and down to the kitchen where a lot of the others were still sitting and talking like normal.

The van started up outside and we all heard it. Amy pulled me out the door. She opened the side door to the van and motioned for me to go in first. I was glad she did, I didn't feel like sitting next to anyone but her.

Some other girls got in too but not everyone was coming. I realized a second too late that Reagan had been staring at me through the driver-side mirror.

"You two okay?" She asked.

"We're fine," Amy said. Her tone was one of warning. It meant, _**this is none of your business and I love you but please don't ask.**_

"Karma?" Reagan asked, but she was looking toward the crack on her driver's side chair and she whispered so that maybe Amy would let me answer for myself.

"Yeah," I agreed, gathering myself up. She must've seen something in me, a bit of sadness, a bit of panic. I couldn't really explain to her in one look that I was upset that Amy and I couldn't just be kissing for the rest of our lives without stop. That would be rude and also weird.

"Good," Reagan said. It made sense for her to be protective of Amy. I wasn't expecting her to be protective of me though so it felt good to know that she was, good to know that even after everything she didn't hate me.

I squeezed Amy's hand and turned to lean on her.

She kissed my forehead again and held my face to her shoulder with her opposite hand. I can't even explain how good it felt to be near her again, smell her again, touch her again, be everything with her again.

But that panic was still there. Doing normal things felt so very hard with that panic inside.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Reagan drove like she knew the directions. We got to the store and got out one-by-one.

Amy held my hand the whole time but I could tell I was acting weird. I knew she'd notice so I tried to be more like myself.

"The lake is beyond beautiful," I said.

"I _**need**_ to explore," Amy seemed unaffected by my strangeness. "I read all this stuff online about the best views and the best places to get a shot or to swim." It was hard for me to hear the word _ **I**_ from her. Before she left, we had always been a _**we**_.

"Are they hard to get to?"

"Umm, not that I know of. The reviews online did mention that you can drive most of the way in both cases but there is definitely some hiking involved."

"Oh," I said, trying to keep her talking.

I was suddenly shockingly aware of the fact that she wasn't holding my hand. I couldn't place when it was that she let go.

But I hated it too much.

I got quiet again.

"They have this lake called Fallen Leaf Lake and I guess you have to like park off the road and hike up into the trees aways to get to it."

"You okay?" I heard Reagan ask from my opposite side. Amy stopped talking.

"Yeah," I lied.

We all exchanged looks though.

It was odd. Reagan was the one noticing, not Amy.

"What?" Amy asked.

"Nothing," Reagan said, taking my hand in hers and holding it loosely.

 _ **Whoa…**_ That's all I can think.

"Why don't you go on ahead," Reagan said to Amy.

"Why?"

"It's okay, Amy," I said. I wanted to talk to her, really.

"Okay…" Amy seemed confused. She caught up with the other two girls and I watched from behind. Reagan stayed quiet until Amy was just out of earshot.

"Okay, what the hell's going on with you?" The way Reagan talked was kind of abrasive and direct. Sure, it was hot and I understood why Amy liked her so much but shit something about her approach definitely frazzled me.

"What? Whatdoyoumean?" I asked nervously, all my words jumbling together. But I knew it was strange. I knew I was different.

"You know what I mean Karma, you never act like this, especially with Amy."

"Act like what?" It's not like Amy even noticed so how different could I really be acting?

"Quiet? Lost? Scared?" There were a number of words to describe me apparently.

"Oh," I said, sort of confessing it. Reagan stopped so that I would stop too. In the distance I could see Amy looking back nervously right before going inside.

"Look at me," Reagan asked, turning my chin with her hand. "What's going on?"

"I-I dunno," I said, finally confessing it. Once I saw her eyes though all my defenses sort of melted away. "I'm scared." It was easy. "What if this is a bad idea? I sort of kissed someone while Amy was gone. A girl."

"Haley?" Of course Reagan knew. Why wouldn't Amy tell Reagan every damn thing about my life?

"Yeah," I said, half annoyed and half relieved. "But it wasn't just that, we almost…"

"Whoa…"

"Yeah… I stopped it but. I sorta. I wanted it. Only…"

"What?" Reagan had no idea.

"I wanted it with someone else…"

"Liam?" Reagan asked.

"No." I began to laugh. My hand felt sweaty in hers. I swung both of our hands between us and stared down at them. "Amy," I said, too nervous to really stare long at Reagan's reaction and too happy to really feel shame.

"Oh," Reagan said, swallowing the answer though she obviously didn't love it too much.

"I don't want to play with her," I said.

"I don't think you have a choice," Reagan answered, searching me with her eyes. "Look… She's been good on this trip but mostly she's been sad and missing you. Whatever is going on with you is going to come out eventually. There's no sense in trying to hold it back or pretend it isn't there."

"I'll kill myself if I chase her away. I'm not strong enough."

"You're plenty strong Ashcroft. You just don't want to see it."

I didn't know really how to take that.

"Tell Amy how you feel. Tell her what you told me, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed.

"And we don't have to be enemies," she smiled. "We never did."

"I know," I said, but it always seemed like all our nothing between her and I, even from the start.

Reagan began walking toward the store and I followed so she wouldn't have to drag me.

"It's pretty hot you kissed some other girl. I thought for sure you were straight," she laughed. "Amy's a catch, ya know?"

"I know." _**Believe me. Please.**_ I thought.

No one ever believed that I loved her. Even before when it was just this abnormally strong friend-type of love. People always thought I was just using her and that was never ever ever something I wanted to do. People just don't know us. They don't know what we've always been to each other, for each other. It's complicated now, letting other people into us.

"Okay when she asks you what we talked about just tell her I wanted to know her favorite song."

"Okay," I laughed. It was an odd thing but I guess Reagan was right, Amy would ask me what we talked about. She was protective that way.

We got near Amy, who was sizing up the tubs of ice cream.

"You two done with your little meeting?" Amy asked bitterly. She continued to stare at the ice cream tubs and ignore us for the most part.

"She's all yours, tiger," Reagan teased. "I'm gonna go check on the chip aisle."

Reagan turned and left. My hand felt lonely without hers.

"What was all that?" Amy asked.

"Nothing," I said, walking close to Amy and taking her hand. "She just wanted to know about your favorite songs."

"Really?" Amy laughed. "That's weird. Oh shit, they're probably fucking planning something."

"Like what?" It was cute to see her stress out.

"They've been trying to get me to sing on stage."

"Yikes," I said. Amy didn't like stuff like that, it made her nervous.

"Tell me about it."

I leaned into her, loving the way she felt.

"Seriously though? That's all she said?"

"She may have noticed I wasn't in the best of spirits."

"What do you mean?" Amy looked at me.

"I- I've been acting a little strange."

"You're always strange," she smiled.

"Shut up," I laughed.

"I told her about Haley and about something I haven't told you yet."

"Oh," Amy said. I could tell that made her nervous. "Anything I should be worried about? I have to admit, when you told me you kissed some other girl I sort of freaked out."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I mean.. Of course I did. Here you'd been telling me you were straight and then you kissed some other girl and suddenly you were feeling things?"

"Amy, it wasn't-"

"I know whatever happened you didn't mean for it but think about it. That would mean it wasn't even ever about me being a girl but more about me being this totally unattractive person in your life."

"Fuck, Amy, that is just so far from the-"

"But you have to look at it from my point of view Karma…" She interrupted, nearly yelling.

 _ **I got it. I got it.**_ I tried to calm. I'd upset her. On accident, _**I made her think...**_

I was the worst. I was the worst at telling the truth and the worst at telling a lie.

"Fuck, Amy, I am soo so so so sorry… Not only is that untrue, I mean, you're a fucking bombshell and I almost died when you surprised me at that threesome, and I never told you that either, but, it's something I never thought you could think. I never thought you would ever think the only reason we didn't work was because you weren't attractive enough. Fuck." I felt like scratching my skin off. I rubbed my face with my hands, dragging my nails to alleviate the discomfort.

At some point I had taken my hand away. Or had she done it first?

We stood apart awkwardly.

"So why did you kiss her?" Amy asked, needing to know.

"It doesn't matter, Amy. It really doesn't matter."

"No. It matters. Why did you?"

I realized I was staring back at her, filled with guilt, and crossing my arms. I let my arms fall. "She reminded me of you, dummy." I could feel the tears coming. I had to wonder how a quick grocery trip could turn into this heart to heart nightmare. "You were gone and I missed you and she just really _**really**_ reminded me of you."

To my relief, Amy laughed at that.

"God Amy. You are _**so**_ attractive. So many people find you attractive. I never thought…"

"It doesn't matter if other people find me attractive Karma. If Felix or Liam want to kiss me that can never be the same as you wanting to kiss me."

She wasn't looking away. She was staring right at me. It was too real.

"God," I laughed, looking up at the horrible lights as tears bit at my eyes. "Why are we talking about this in a grocery store again?" I teased.

How could I not think? I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. Of course she had to think…

"I dunno," Amy said, shaking her head and walking off.

I followed slowly, unsure of what to say.

Reagan caught a glimpse of us. I watched her smile drop when she noticed we still weren't happy.

I sped up to hold Amy's arm and her hand.

"You really thought I wasn't into you?"

"I had to think it," Amy said. "You wanted me to think it. I had to think it."

"But you knew," I said stopping her.

"What?"

"You knew when we kissed at the threesome. You knew I felt you."

"I dunno. Maybe," Amy said, dodging my eyes. I suddenly couldn't contain how happy I was to have her physically in front of me again.

"Hey," I said. I needed her to know she wasn't crazy. I perched up on my toes, reaching up and pulling her in to kiss me. I watched her eyes close as she accepted me. I felt my eyes shut tight and twitch as the feelings rushed into me again, the feelings I hadn't been letting in all of this time. Now they were a rush, so instant, so strong. I pulled her arm around me and kissed her slowly. My body loosened up as she tasted me back.

In the kiss I was lost to her.

But then I heard whistling from somewhere off to the side. Amy's mouth turned up into a smile since she knew who the noises were coming from. It was the other girls.

I fell into Amy's body and rest eyes on her skin, embarrassed.

"Come on," she whispered. "Let's get this over with."

"K," I said compliantly. I could prove it if she needed me to. I could prove it and prove it and prove it. That'd be perfectly fine.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

The rest of the grocery trip felt normal but in a dreamy way. Even riding home felt romantic. Just having Amy's arm over my shoulders. Just being able to play with her hands and feel my body resting into hers and smell her familiar scent and feel it as she lightly breathed. Being with her now was like being under a heavy spell.

Reagan drove us out to the lake.

Amy got me to take my shoes off.

"It's not like normal sand," she said. "Look."

She helped fold the bottoms of my jeans up and then did the same to her own. She watched me as I walked in the thick grains and felt something new, the cold thick sand between my toes.

"Come on," she said, taking my hand and leading me to the water.

It wasn't mucky or dirty. There was no film or algae. It wasn't like any lake I'd ever seen. It was like the ocean but less ferocious. Beneath the stars, and the bright moon, it felt otherworldly. I felt myself laugh.

I touched the water and it was cold. Amy pulled me in to hug me close as our feet shuffled into the wet.

"I'm glad you came," she said.

"Me too," I said, feeling wrapped up in her and safe. I was so comfortable I could fall asleep standing up. But I wanted to feel her for as long as I could. I rest my palm on her stomach and allowed her to rock me back and forth while the water gently brushed our past our ankles and made them cold in the warm wind.

"Look at the stars," she said. "You can see so many here. It's not like home."

"It's not," I said, staring up with her and noticing it too. I'd never seen so many stars, not even when we went to the observatory on that field trip with school.

"Yesterday, from the hotel, you could see the milky way. Not today though…" I just wanted to hear her speak.

It was lovely, it really was. I couldn't stop myself from seeing her though, from wanting to stare. The stars, the trees, the lake, none of it could compare to the feeling of just being with her. We could be anywhere together and I'd feel this way.

We walked back onto the beach. Reagan and her friend were at a picnic table.

Reagan took a full bottle away from her friend and held it out to us. "To new beginnings," she said.

Amy took the bottle and handed it to me. I was still leaning into her and she still had her arm around me. "To new beginnings," I said. I took the bottle in my hand and tilted it back. One, two, three gulps before Amy took the bottle away and shook her head with a smile.

It wasn't the smoothest drink. I coughed as she sipped and the other girls laughed.

We got back in the van after staring a little too long at the stillness of the lake. It felt like we were all waiting for something huge to occur. And that was huge. That in and of itself was a huge tremendous feeling of importance and worth.

When we got to the house the other girls were watching a tv show and messing around.

"Do you wanna eat?" Amy asked, once Reagan and the others had gone away.

 _ **No way…**_ I thought. What I wanted was to be touching her now.

The alcohol was more than I counted on. It did nothing but serve to make me even more thirsty for Amy's taste and Amy's touch. In the kitchen with her holding me I felt myself shiver at the temptation. Amy was so close but somehow I was still scared to let myself take.

"Karma?" She asked.

"Oh. No," I said, finally answering her question.

"Okay," she answered. I left her no choice but to assume what I did want. She turned nervously and led me up the stairs slowly, toward the place I knew we could be alone.

My head spun but I wanted more.

"Are you tired?" She asked.

"Nope," I said, feeling the tension all of a sudden. She was so gentle with me, so careful. It actually made me want to hurt her just a bit because I wasn't a doll.

I didn't ask her how she was. I didn't need to ask. I already knew.

We walked through the empty common room, passing the windows that provided the only light in the room.

When Amy finally entered the small room she turned to speak. "I don't think we shou-"

But I stopped her with a kiss, pushing into her and hoping she knew what I wanted. "What was that?" I asked, my eyes so open now as I looked up at her and teased. I could look at her here. Now that was allowed.

"Karma," she laughed all dazed. I put my arms around her and pulled her body in close to mine so that I could stare up at her and really stare.

"What?" I asked, running over her face and her neck with my eyes.

"Maybe we shouldn't rush into-"

"Hey," I said, cutting her off again with another kiss. I didn't want to hear _**shouldn't**_. This time we weren't in a fucking store or a fucking assembly or a fucking pool. This time there was no one to worry about, nothing to think about other than right here and right now. No one to interrupt.

I kissed her deep and let go to breathe only when I had to. "If you don't want this. I can stop," I huffed out, my head spinning. I let my eyes open though and travel down to her waist as my thumbs tucked into the back of her jeans and tugged at them greedily. I wanted this. I _**reeeeally**_ wanted this. "I don't see how anything we do now can possibly be rushing. We've known each other for so long…" I said, my voice trailing off. I looked up at her and felt my lip between my teeth. I felt I might beg her, I really did. I shook my head back and forth. I was too happy just to be with her again.

The moonlight poured in through the window and lit up her gorgeous green eyes.

She stared back and I waited for her reaction. It was taking way too long.

"Amy," I whined.

"Okay," Amy answered, pushing me away from her and throwing her shirt as she shut the door and locked it, moving back and looking at me now like I'm sure she'd been waiting to look. "What do you want me to do?" Amy asked all hesitant. She was scared of hurting me probably, scared of insulting me by touching me as if she really ever could.

"Whatever you want to do," I said nervously, holding out my hands and then letting them drop to my sides again. I hadn't thought about specifics. I wasn't about to ask for this or for that. I wanted to know what she wanted. I wanted to feel what she'd been needing from me. I wanted to know. But she wasn't moving…

I needed to be brave.

I walked forward and let my left hand feel her skin, from the front of her stomach and around to her naked back. My eyes shut in the pleasure of the touch. I felt how quickly she was already breathing, how nervous she must've been. My other hand moved up to her neck and then into her hair. I came closer and rest my body into hers, feeling her skin and her soft hair with my hands, I fell into her and felt relief.

I guess it was now or never.

"I was with that girl," I said, swallowing down the sweet taste, the remnants of Amy's kiss. We were sort of dancing in a way only very slowly, I was holding her though. "She wanted to do things," I said, leaning back so that I could see Amy's face.

"What kind of things?" Amy asked. I could tell this was a rough topic, especially for right now.

"To kiss me," I said, staring up at her. "But then more…" I needed her to know before we did anything. I needed for her not to be mad at me.

"Did she hurt you?" Amy asked.

"No," I said. I hadn't thought about her thinking that. "No, she didn't hurt me." I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed her fingers one-by-one.

"But you had sex?" She asked nervously.

"No," I said, shaking my head and putting my hands behind her neck so that she could see I wasn't keeping anything, not anything that she should already know.

"What happened?" She asked as we swayed.

"We were under the stars," I said. "It was her birthday and she was kissing me. She sort of knew I was into you and only you but she didn't mind. And when she kissed me though, I lost myself. She was making out with me and I started to think about you, about how much I wanted her to be you... I closed my eyes and I pretended..." She couldn't know though. These were different thoughts. "Haley was kissing me, I knew that, but I was pretending she was you."

"Karma…" Amy said.

"I know… It's fucked up…"

"Why didn't you-"

"I couldn't. I knew you wouldn't believe me. And why would you?" I cried. "I haven't exactly been the greatest at telling the truth."

"Sweetie…" Amy crooned to try and console me. I let out a deep sigh and rest my head on her body.

"I closed my eyes and imagined it was your tongue in my mouth and your lips touching mine. She touched my skin with her hands and I imagined it was your hands pushing at me. And I liked what I felt." I thought back on it. Even now I still imagined it was Amy in my mind even as this nice memory. "I just felt it. I felt it so much."

"Felt what?" Amy asked.

"How much I wanted it, Amy. How much I wanted it to be you."

She was quiet so I kept on with my truth. "She even asked me while we were kissing. She said, what would you do to her if she were here?" I paused. "In the moment, I knew. I'd kiss you. And she asked me what I'd want you to do." I took a gulp of air and swallowed it down. This was all a bit much confessing for one day but I knew it was important. "I said, if you were there, I'd want you to touch me. And I knew it was true."

"Karma…"

"That was when I knew that it was never about her, the things we'd been doing. It wasn't until her hand moved off of my hip," I said, trailing my own hand from Amy's hip to the hem of her jeans and then to the button which I undid. "And closer to my button right here…" I pulled the button into my hand and pushed knuckles right into her body right there so that she could know what I felt. "That I realized I couldn't pretend. Not when it could actually happen. Not when there was still an offhand chance."

"An offhand chance," Amy scoffed.

"I know I don't deserve you is what I mean. I haven't been good to you. Good for you."

"You do deserve me," she said. "You always have."

"No," I said, moving my hand back up to the bare skin of her back and laying my body into hers so that she would hold me and touch me and let me have that right now at the very least. "You've always been a better person, Amy."

I breathed on her skin and felt as her hands slowly touched beneath my shirt and rubbed at my warm lower-back, kneading my skin.

I hugged her better because I wanted her to keep touching me. I closed my eyes and rest them on her shoulder as my hands went up her shoulder blades to hold onto her shoulders tightly. She was rubbing my skin with both of her hands and I wanted her to. I felt myself panting and breathing harder.

"Thank you," I said, feeling so much better because of her. I hadn't realized how much I needed her to be the one to touch me. I must've been holding onto this irrational fear that she'd never let me touch her like this. Something about the way she managed to push me away after telling me about how she felt for the first time. She hadn't been touching me much after that. We had a whole year of distant Amy, distant Amy who couldn't let herself touch me. Probably because she thought I would freak out.

Thinking about it now, perhaps I was the one who was starved.

As she rubbed my back all I could think was: _**this feels like heaven**_.

I pushed my eyes into her skin and clung onto her as she touched me intimately in a way I'd been craving for who knows how very long.

Her skin felt so nice against my lips. I moved my lips up and began to kiss at her shoulder since I wanted to be kissing her but I also didn't want to have to move.

"It feels so good when you touch me," I said, close to tears. I felt scared though, like I needed to tell her or else she would stop. I let my right hand slide down her back until it held lightly at her side. All I wanted was more but I couldn't speak it so I simply tried to calm myself and rest.

This was the most she'd touched me in over a year. The weight of that hit me harder than I'd hoped. I wiped my tears on Amy's skin and hoped I was quiet enough to not make her feel weird.

"After everything," she said. "I couldn't let myself touch you." Her hands moved slowly but she was breathing so fast. I felt her heart pound in her chest as seemed so outwardly calm and controlled all the same.

She was saying the words I knew to be true.

"When I touched you, I felt too much," she let out a sign. I felt her push me back to stand alone for just a second. The next thing I knew she was pulling my shirt up over my head and throwing it to the side. I stared at it and felt as she moved her body back into mine and we both let out a similar sigh of great pleasure as our bodies touched. "I didn't want to use you like that or make you think-"

"I didn't know I touched you so much until the second you stopped touching me."

The truth was enough to make me break. Here I thought we'd be having sex. Turns out just touching each other was what we both really missed.

I dragged my lips across her collarbone and felt as she pulled me into her again, jolting my body to wake as her hands continued to play at my back and my waist.

I knew what I wanted her to do but I really didn't want to ask.

As if sensing it Amy's hands moved up to the back of my bra and carefully unhooked it.

"We don't have to, if you don't want," she said, breaking my heart ever so much.

I moved her hands up to the straps and realized now that I had been shaking. I wasn't sure when that had started. It was probably her words though. Or maybe it was my words. I had certainly been scared.

I tried to calm down as I led her hands to pull the straps off my shoulders and lead my bra down and away.

"Fuck," she said, staring down at the bra as it dropped down to the floor.

She walked toward me, leading me back until we reached the bed. Then everything just sort of happened so fast.

I fell back and she crawled over me, kissing me hard and running just two fingers down the side of my left breast making me feel something mind-blowingly new.

I felt my entire body come to life. I gasped in her mouth, sounding almost like I was in pain.

I needed her and I was scared.

She moved her body up on mine while we kissed. My eyes shot open as I gasped again, this time a lot louder. Her thigh had pushed right into me and I felt her as if she were already inside me somehow.

She must've been sensing it because she rolled over onto her side to try and give me some space. I didn't want space though, not at all. I let myself get ontop of her as I held both of her arms down and breathed to try and catch myself and calm down.

I didn't notice until I heard myself. I was rasping out in my attempts to breathe as if I was sick or being chased. Amy stared up at me in near shock but then she caught my eyes and smiled, moving her arms and turning me until she was ontop of me again.

There was a flash in her eyes right before she had done it. A bit of hunger I'd never seen but understood.

When she had me on my back it was almost instant, her lips and tongue on my neck. I felt wetter in an instant as she pushed her hand into mine and forced it to lie secure against the mattress, she was much stronger than me and definitely good at this. Much better than I'd ever been. She knew exactly where to touch and where to taste. I felt attacked but in a good way. Her body pushed into my center and my other hand pushed down at her hip to try to slow her because I couldn't take so much at once, I'd never had it so immediately good or intense.

"Stop," I said. It was too strong and I needed to breathe, that's all it was.

I felt Amy freeze immediately and then try and slowly back away.

The sound of my own breathing startled me. Amy moving away startled me more though I reached for her.

"No," I said, pulling her back down to lay ontop of me. "It was just a lot all at once," I breathed out, worried. I rubbed my hand at her neck and forced her to stay with me but I could tell she was probably scared.

We both panted as I made her lie still.

My body was so awake. My body had never felt that much. Not ever.

Overwhelmed and blown away, I accidentally began to laugh.


	16. Chapter 16

*this might be the last chapter, no promises*

 **Chapter 16**

On top of me now, Amy felt so surprisingly still.

"Are you breathing?" I asked nervously.

She let out a big breath and we both began to laugh.

"Sorry," I said. "You just, you feel really good."

She nuzzled her face into the side of my neck, her breath teasing me and making my own breath become shallow.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" She asked sweetly.

"No," I smiled. That was so far from what she had done.

She was quiet though and I knew her mind was trying to figure out what I was thinking.

"With Liam," I said, hating that I had to say his name or even bring him up right now. "I didn't feel…"

"What?" She pushed, needing to know.

"Well," I sighed. I rubbed my hand along her arm. I loved the feel of her body. Just touching her did things to me. I shut my eyes and tried to think of the right words. That was half of what I needed to say but how could that make any sense? I mean, I had sex with Liam more than once. We had a lot of sex but… Nothing quite felt the way just kissing Amy felt… Or maybe even, just being with her or thinking about her. I never had to touch her to feel her.

"You don't have to-" She tried to take it back.

"I need to," I said. "We got physical-"

"I know-" She tried to calm me, to stop me.

"Let me?" I asked, needing her to listen. I felt overwhelmed.

"Okay," she sighed, trying to calm herself down. She rolled to my side and hugged herself close to me. It helped my nerves to feel less of her but it wasn't necessarily my favorite thing to have her body only semi on mine. Any absence of her led me to feel temporarily hollow.

"With him, I had sex but… I don't… I don't know," I stopped myself. I guess it was harder to talk about than I thought. "What was it like for you?" I asked. "With Reagan?"

I knew right away though, I wasn't strong enough to take her answer.

"It…" She hesitated. Knowing Amy, that hesitation had all to do with delivery and none to do with confusion. "It felt nice," she said, surprising me. I dunno what I expected her to say but given my own experience I wasn't expecting for Amy's sex with Reagan to be in any way similar to her sex with me. Not that we even had sex yet. But see, I guess, for me, that was the entire problem. With Amy I didn't even need to, not to feel things.

 _ **Fuck.**_

"Nice?" I asked.

"Well, yea. At first it was kind of strange. I didn't know what I was supposed to do but I think she knew that and sort of took charge."

"After that?" I asked. I felt stoic all of a sudden. How many times had they done it? And how did that feel? Honestly, she really made me want to put my clothes back on and go away and cry.

"After that, it was nice," she said.

"You keep saying that word." I was irritated.

Until now I don't think she knew it upset me.

I pushed her arm slowly off of my body and moved myself up on the bed to sit with my back against the wall.

"Okay, what'd I do now?" She asked nervously.

"Amy…" I sighed.

"I obviously hurt you or hurt your feelings or who knows, maybe both? If you don't talk to me all I can do is guess and guessing is the worst form of torture Karma it really is."

"Shhhh," I tried to calm her. She moved a little, rolling over my legs to hug them since they were the only part of me still down on the bed.

"I hate hurting you," she mumbled, her lips touching my skin.

"It's not really your fault," I said. "If that's how you feel that's how you feel."

"What are you even talking about?" She asked, getting up and straddling my legs with her body so that her face could be really close to mine. She needed an answer. And she was far too good at being accidentally sexy and cute. I felt her knees touching the outside of my thighs and I knew I was a goner. How could I explain anything with her so close? My heart was beating crazy fast and my mind swam away from me as I tried hard to catch it.

"Okay," I said, trying to keep my eyes from staring at her lips. "But, this really sucks to talk about."

"I need you to talk to me Karma." She must've seen me staring. I felt her hands on my face as my eyes raced to hide. "No more secrets," she said.

"No more secrets," I repeated, pulling her hands down from my face as I tried to gather the courage. Her body on mine completely frazzled me though. I could feel the pressure of her body ontop of mine. She leaned into me and laid her head on my shoulder, hugging me, and letting out a deep sigh.

How could a hug feel sexual?! HOW COULD A FUCKING HUG FEEL SEXUAL?!

I wanted to scream.

 _ **NICE?!**_

"Amy!" I said, pushing her quickly to move away from me.

I knew after I'd done it that I'd definitely made a mistake.

"Wow…" She huffed, hurt, moving away from me and off of the bed.

"Don't-" I begged, pulling her back.

"What the hell is wrong with you Karma?! Did you really come all the way out here just to play with me again?"

I felt myself scoff. I felt pain behind my eyes and a burning down my throat.

With strength, I looked up at her. Her hand was still in mine. I was keeping her. "No," I said concretely. "But it's not easy for me to feel these things I've never felt."

I wished that could explain it.

"If you have to make yourself, I don't want it," she said, hurting me.

"Okay," I said, standing. My anger was taking over. "Can you just sit the fuck down, please?! I've been trying to tell you something for several minutes and you keep fucking cutting me off and pretending I'm just here to hurt you when I already told you that I'm not. I get that I fucked up. A lot. But that doesn't mean that I wanted to hurt you or that I always will. And when you doubt me I really feel like I'm nothing. So just, please-" I shut my eyes and squeezed them. "Please, at least try to let me tell you how I'm broken?!"

She sat in front of me on the bed and grew instantly quiet.

"Okay," she said, crossing her arms and dropping her eyes. But she still seemed skeptical.

"Thank you," I said. My own mess made her doubt me. I had to remind myself of that. Amy never doubted me before.

I walked to the door and made sure it was locked. Her words bit at me though.

"Scared I might escape?" She teased.

I felt myself unravel.

"Oh, because that's a crazy thought, right?" I turned 'round on her. "Crazy Karma! It'd be totally _**crazy**_ of me to assume you'd _**ever**_ want to leave. Right?!" My eyes suddenly burned as I stared at her. That was, of course, exactly what she had done. She'd left. Just like I always knew she would eventually. I _**always**_ knew. No wonder I never wanted to change a thing between us. It was too good for too long. Change _**was**_ mess. Change _**was**_ this. Change was me alone and her in Lake fucking Tahoe with a bunch of random people in a cabin doing God knows what all alone!

 _ **HOW COULD SHE NOT SEE?!**_

For whatever reason, she said nothing. Maybe I scared her. I tried to let it go, say the things I needed her to know.

"I didn't stop you just now because I didn't want you." I needed her to hear that first. That was the most important thing. I let my eyes drift away. "Sex with Liam was uncomfortable Amy. It wasn't all butterflies and yearning. It wasn't-" The more I thought about the difference in touching him and touching her the more idiotic it seemed, how long had I spent chasing a lie and trying to make something become real? "It wasn't-" I hesitated, feeling how wrong I was. "It wasn't like I thought it'd be."

"What?" She stood up but I pushed her back down and she easily allowed me.

"For the most part," I tried not to cry. "I was uncomfortable with him but I-I pretended I really liked it, liked sex. And, and sometimes it hurt. I would cry out. But he thought that meant he'd done something, better," I laughed bitterly, "something right. You know, because of porn or something. I dunno." It wasn't funny. I realized I was talking a bit fast. "But- I never told him to stop or that it hurt. I was too stupid to realize, what we were doing wasn't exactly fun for me. I let him try a lot of things and I-I didn't even really like it, the sex. I liked knowing, he wanted me. That was it. I realize that now. Kinda late." I laughed bitterly. "And that's not to say it was all painful or hurt-filled but it is to say that I never felt _**sexual**_ pleasure with him," I felt my eyes voluntarily flutter and then squeeze to a close as my mind wandered. "I mean, except for maybe one time when I was mad at you and trying to shut up my thoughts. What I'm trying to say is," I tried to gather myself. "Even when I made him go slow, even when I tried to like it, and even when I thought of you… It wasn't _**nice**_ Amy. This is _ **nice.**_ But I guess… You've already had _**nice.**_ And if that's true I don't even know why you'd want me here with you. I mean I'm a mess. I'm not good for you. I ruin your life. And just that hug from you, that hug that made me push you? Just that hug felt more _**nice**_ than I deserve. You _**make me**_ feel things. You're the only person who _**makes me**_ feel."

Okay, not the best delivery.

 _ **Fuck.**_

I'm shaking. She probably thinks I'm insane. Not that I'm not close because I know by now I am, I really am.

"Karma…" She said my name as an exhale, like maybe it took all she had to keep quiet. "Reagan was nice but you're… You're everything."

I didn't know what to say.

My face was doing that ridiculous thing. I was making the faces I can't control. I could feel my chin quivering. I was trying to fight off tears. It was stupid of me. Tears had already come and they wouldn't be slowing up right now, no time soon anyway.

"Reagan and I? We had something, Karma. I'm not going to lie to you and say we didn't have something. But it was physical I think. _**Just**_ physical. I thought maybe I knew her. But I didn't. Even worse, I knew she didn't know me. Reagan was nice in the way a sunny day is nice after rain. You've never been like that. You're more like a storm that surrounds me. I can feel you everywhere. And all the time. Rain or shine. You're undeniable. I let myself feel things with her but with you I have no control. I feel you whether I want to or not and that's intense. That's why I left."

She held my hands and I stared down at them, wishing things could be easy. I wanted her. I didn't want to miss my feelings this time, not with her. I wanted to feel everything and I wanted to know what it all fucking meant. I'd had too much of letting myself be ruined by myself.

"Sweetie?" Amy said, pushing my chin up so that I would know she wanted me to see her. "Baby, look at me," she said, her own voice now shaky. I let my eyes turn to see hers. "I would never want you to do anything you didn't want to do. Especially this," she urged.

The tears hit me hard and I roared as she pulled me into hug her.

"This has never been about sex," she said, probably through feeling guilt. "I just, I knew you felt something when you kissed me. I knew you were holding yourself back from me. I just didn't know why."

I cried. She still didn't understand.

"I want to have sex with you, Amy." I said, my voice doing that hiccup thing. "I'm not freaking out because-" I cut myself off. The phrasing wasn't right. "I just don't want sex with you to be fast and confusing and so overwhelming that I can't tell how I feel about it until it's already done and over. I mean, what if you hurt me and I don't say: Stop? I don't want it to be like it was with him. If I let you do that to me... Let _**you**_ hurt me, _**that**_ way." I could barely make out my words.

"I know," she said, holding me though my body shook. "Hey, believe me, I know."

I couldn't for the life of me calm down. Amy held me though and she felt so completely strong as I shook in her arms.

Her hugs were everything now. When she held me I didn't feel like some emotional wreck.

"Even when he hugged me... I never felt like this." God it scared me so much. She's everything. There's nothing else.

I crawled up onto Amy's lap and let my whole body hug hers as I cried into her neck. She rocked me a little and made sweet calming noises, telling me to _**shhhhh,**_ while she held my head with her hand and tried her best not to cry any more than she already was. Her small sniffles made my chest glow.

"The more I think about how much I need you, the more my heart hurts when you touch me," I cried. "It's like everything is finally making sense and it's too much to take in. You hold me and I feel like my whole world might explode." I felt her body beneath me and I wanted her to be inside.

She laughed, jostling us.

I felt so weak for her. I felt if she just kissed me I'd break.

Her body shook with delicate laughter. "You're so dramatic," she said, still working to soothe me.

"And I wish I was kidding," I said, feeling a bit of laughter finally coming to me too. I pulled my head back and stared down at her. "It took me 16 years to realize I've never really wanted anyone but you." I let my thumb move over her lips. As I felt them part at my touch, I stared down at her. My eyes couldn't stop running over her. I wanted to memorize her expression and just have it forever. I drank her in with my eyes until my gaze fell onto her lips and I knew that what I needed again was to taste her but to do it slow. I wanted to taste her. As scary as it was, I wanted to feel her again.

She pulled my hand down in her own. "We can go slow," she said, watching me.

I leaned down and parted my lips as I pressed them into hers and tasted her tongue on my own.

She was good at holding back. I was the one who had trouble. I felt my tongue swell with want for hers.

 _ **Mmmm,**_ she hummed as my mouth tried for more. I felt my hand on her face. I felt myself asking for her without speaking.

Her own hands moved slowly down the outside of my thighs until they reached my ass and pulled me in towards her right quick.

My whole body shook at the pleasure of my body pushed into hers. I had to break from her lips just to hang onto her and gasp.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," I gasped, shaking my head as I leaned back to kiss her again. I could feel her hard nipples against me as I dragged my body up hers when we kissed. My center pulsed as we rhythmically kissed, our pace accelerating. I knew I needed her but I also knew I couldn't handle her yet so I pushed her away and she smiled, shaking her head at my accidental teasing.

I needed slow. I really did. Every time I pulled away I felt her wanting me more but knowing that she had to be soft.

Slow was good.

Slow was safe.

Being bold, she leaned in and licked my skin. I held her head, pushing her into me at the touch.

" _ **Fuck**_ ," I said. I wanted two things at once. It just wasn't right. When she did things to me it was hard not to lose control. My body pushed into her to try and stop her.

"I love you," she whispered sweetly.

Safe in her arms, completely carried, I allowed myself to let go.

She pushed me down into the mattress and began to kiss me again and move her hand slowly about my skin.

It wasn't like anything I ever felt before. My whole body shook and reacted.

"Slow," I reminded, my chest heaving as I tried not to gasp.

I felt the tip of her tongue slowly lead its way up my right side in a straight line and I had to cry out.

"Too much?" She asked sweetly. She hovered over me, looking down. When my eyes could open my hands found her and I pulled her down into me.

"No," I said, pulling her in and kissing her slowly again.

I could feel her left hand on my hip and her right hand on my face as she tried to help herself move slower and be softer.

"I don't want to hurt you," she said painfully, breaking away from me nervously.

"You couldn't," I said, shutting my eyes tight before opening them again.

She could overwhelm me but she couldn't hurt me, not this way.

My problem was in letting go.

I didn't want her to stop.

She kissed me again, this time harder.

I felt her slow herself down after a second and her lips smiled against mine. "You just," she said, her eyes close. "You just taste so fucking good." And she kissed me again.

As she slowed I allowed my hands to touch her sides and feel her skin.

I could feel her trying to stop herself. She moved up to sit ontop of me and just close her eyes and feel.

"Maybe that's enough for one night," she said, biting on her lower lip and meditating on the way my hands moved down her upper thighs and rest for a moment at her knees.

I was staring up at her, watching her. She was so much more beautiful than I remembered. It's like every second she got prettier and more intense.

When her eyes finally opened and she noticed me staring up at her I spoke. "I want you to touch me," I said.

"Yeah, and we have time Karma. We have nothing but time."

"I don't care," I said, trying to fight her about it.

"I can't stay with you all summer," I reminded. It'd be one thing if she was coming back with me but I wasn't about to ask her for that. She was actually doing something she wanted to do. I didn't want to ruin that for her. No matter how much I wished she had never left I knew this was right for her. This was her choice.

"Then I'll come visit you," she said. "Mom already told me she misses me. I bet she'd fly me over if I asked."

My heartbeat harder at just the thought of having her for even another few days. Here I was visiting her and I never even thought of her visiting me back.

"Wasn't the whole point of this trip to get away from Austin?" I asked.

"Not really," she sighed, leaning back down over me and licking the side of my neck, filling me up again with pure wanting.

I whimpered as she tasted me. Her leg came up and rubbed at my center as she pulled her hand at the other side of my neck and continued to tease me, enveloping me in a way she knew would completely overwhelm. "The whole point was to take a break from you," she reminded in a whisper. "To get over you," she paused and stopped her petting. "If that's not necessary any more there's no real reason for me to stay away."

I had to try hard to collect myself. My chest burned and heaved under her arm. "Yeah but the trip is fun and you like it. I don't want you to come home. I want you to do this. I want you to have this. And you were probably right. I probably needed the time to understand myself."

"Then I'll just visit," she said sweetly, turning my face to meet hers and taking the time to meet my eyes and kiss me softly. "I mean, if that's okay?" She asked, as an afterthought after breaking away for air.

"Yeah," I sighed breathlessly, a smile taking over me. "Of course that's okay." All I wanted was for her to be happy. That's all. That and this. For her to never ever ever stop touching me.

It'd be hard to take another break from her but the way I was feeling with her all around me was so intense it might be good to get away for a little while.

"Plus, it's not like you can really handle this much of me all the time," she must've noticed.

"Don't tease me," I warned. "I'm too breakable right now." Her hand was roaming and she knew what she was doing to me now.

"Mmmhmm," she hummed, rubbing her palm across my stomach. "I might've noticed," she said, watching as my stomach sucked itself in in response to the touch and the preassure.

I gasped without meaning to.

"I can feel you too much," I said, closing my eyes and trying to calm down.

"I know," she said. "And I like it."

I rose my hand up to my head and held it. She made me weak. She made me dizzy. I realize rather quickly that it was going to take a while for me to be comfortable with feeling so much for a person all at once. And, for once, I could finally understand that maybe that was normal and maybe that was okay.

A knock came at the door but I knew it was locked.

Amy looked up at it and called out. "What is it?" She asked.

"We made spaghetti if you guys want any," a nice voice said.

"K thanks," she spoke back. "What do you think?" She asked me sweetly. Her face hung above mine as she expectantly waited with patience for my response.

But all I could think was… _**"I love you…"**_


	17. Chapter 17

*lil bit of M content*

 **Epilogue**

Going back home after all that had happened was more than difficult. We had just one more day together after that and it wasn't nearly enough time, at least, not for me. Amy was always better at being confident and brave.

That last day though was just like a dream. We hiked up to that secluded smaller lake that Amy wanted to see. We ended up stripping down in the early morning and jumping off the tall cliffs in our underwear since there was no one else around. It was so scary and romantic I nearly drown in feelings. I'd never done anything like that before and Amy knew. I was shaking all the way home and it wasn't because I was cold.

Tahoe was my turning point in so many ways. I literally jumped off the edge with her just as she had asked me to do nearly a year before. We couldn't have planned it better if we had tried.

We hiked back wet and spent the rest of the day together in bed after showering. We kissed for so long the hours just flew by. The whole time it was hard for me not to feel overwhelmingly weak. We were sweaty and I ached for her constantly. Her constant touch was nowhere near enough and yet it was too much the whole time far more than I could ever dream of feeling. Through most of it I wept and whimpered without meaning to. I couldn't stop saying _**I love you**_. And I know she was worried. She stopped kissing me many times to ask me if I was okay. Every time I said _**no**_ but I told her that I wished we could stay that way forever. If we only had a day we only had a day. I needed to feel as much of her as I could. I needed her to completely drain me. That was the only way I'd survive away from her. I needed to feel satisfied but I don't think I could ever really get enough.

Amy knew I had to go back just as she knew I didn't want to go at all.

I couldn't get anyone to cover my shifts back at home and my boss said he'd fire me if I wasn't back in two days so I had to go back or fold and I knew I needed the experience on my resume and the money wouldn't hurt, especially after I spent so much.

Amy made me promise to try and relax and calm down once I got back home. I'd lost weight alone in Austin. She said I was quieter, less confident. And she noticed I was more skittish, more shaky. She said I had changed and that I really worried her. I guess, more so than before when I was doing crazy things all the time. She said it would all be okay and that distance had helped us before and it could only serve to help us again. We always loved each other and none of that was going to change.

She drove me out to Reno alone in that giant van. As soon as we started going down the other side of that mountain road I was all fears and tears.

She kissed me in the terminal and I felt far too weak to finish the walk to the plane all alone but I had to do what I had to do. Plus, I wanted Amy to know I could be strong, even if it wasn't easily achieved or even close to the truth. I knew the second I was out of her sight I would crumble. There was no question on that. It was a certainty. Being without her was the worst tragedy of my life. That should be comforting but for whatever reason on that day it really wasn't.

On the plane I cried for more than half of the flight.

When I got back in town I slept for a solid 11 hours before waking up and showing up for my shift at the pool.

Swimming laps after those few days with Amy in Tahoe just felt surreal.

Then Haley walked in and reminded me of all that had gone on and all that I needed to be thankful for.

"Oh my God! I didn't think you'd be back so soon," she said, walking round to meet me and allowing me to hug her with my entire wet self.

"I missed you," I said. "How are things with Jess?"

"They're okay," she laughed. "A bit bumpy but definitely better."

"I know exactly how you feel," I laughed too.

"How was Amy?"

"Ah? Amazing," I stuttered, just trying to explain.

"And did you…" She searched me with her eyes, probably remembering how close we had come to being something more on that particularly starry night.

"Close," I said. "We didn't have sex," I whispered. "I couldn't. I felt too much. She decided we should wait."

"Well, that's pretty great of her," Haley said.

"Did you?" I asked.

"Umm, yea," she said, only thinking about it briefly. They'd already had sex so I guess maybe having sex again was never the question. I do remember her saying that another naked night meant nothing to a whole year of her friendship. That was something I really really understood. "Jess is… She's changing," Haley said.

"Is that a good thing?" I asked.

"No, it's great," she said. "It's just not something I saw coming AT ALL. I need to get used to it being a reality now and not just some impossible daydream."

"But you're happy, right?"

"God, yes," she blushed. "We've spent the last three days together in bed. I was so dehydrated last night I couldn't even-" She stopped herself. "You know what, I think I'll save you the gory details."

"Sounds good," I laughed. I had no idea where she was going with that one but I was definitely alright with leaving it a forever mystery.

"I'm just really glad to have things feel a little normal again."

"Right?"

It was so strange how similar we felt. We were on opposite ends of similar situations and yet we both felt relief and happiness after all the things we had done.

I watched her swim that day and she made me promise to let her take me out later in the week.

That conversation, when it happened, was glorious. She told me all about Jess's crazy attempts at apologies and seduction.

Jess sounded a lot like me. She really really did and that did nothing but make me laugh and apologize AGAIN.

Nevertheless I missed Amy. I worked and I laughed. I saw Lauren and Farrah and Liam and Shane and nothing about that was weird. I hung out with my parents. I spent many nights tossing and turning because I wasn't comfortable knowing that Amy was still far away.

It wasn't so much about me being left anymore though. For once I was actually glad that Amy had gone. She deserved the freedom to find herself and be her own person.

I finally got to a place where I was comfortable with letting her go. But that was mostly because I had confidence in the fact that she loved me and she would be back.

We hadn't made any promises. We hadn't proposed. Our facebook statuses hadn't changed. I didn't promise not to hook-up with anyone and neither did she. I think we both just knew that we wouldn't. Or maybe we both just knew that it wouldn't even matter if one of us did. Nothing that we did without each other seemed to matter. That was the crazy thing. We were both on these individually strange limbo adventures just waiting for the right time to find each other again and resume being an us.

We text each other all the time and hung-out on google-chat webcams some nights.

For once, I felt healthy and I mean really really healthy. I wasn't chasing something or searching for something. I knew what I wanted and I knew I could take things slowly and actually wait for things to eventually become even better.

Just seeing her on my laptop screen I knew I was in love with her, it was all I could feel.

I couldn't sleep for shit but none of that mattered. I could laugh again. I could smile. I felt my worth. I felt semi-stable.

And it was all because of her. There was no denying it.

I was in recovery. Tahoe had healed me in some ways.

We'd gone to hell and back and we had actually needed to. We never would've been able to love each other right if I hadn't realized what the hell was wrong with me all along. Amy doesn't see it that way at all but I do. For whatever reason I was holding myself back.

All that being said, waiting for her to come visit was pure agony and all I could do for my own sanity was just remember that very last day with her cuddled up with me in bed. Her hands on my skin, her lips tasting mine, the way she tried to touch me as little as possible while at the same time she obviously burned with wanting just as I did, only she was a little less scared and a little less shaky.

At home, without her, at night, I would get scared. What would happen if she got into an accident and died? What if she changed her mind and never came back home?

Disturbing thoughts like that kept me up some nights.

I told Amy about that and she laughed at me like I knew she would.

It wasn't funny though. My whole world would stop. It was no wonder I was scared.

When she finally came back to me it was only for a visit. It was more than two weeks after I'd left her in Reno but it felt like an eternity and knowing she'd leave again right after really put a damper on seeing her again. The whole trip was pre-empted by the knowledge of her impending departure.

I picked her up from the airport and surprised even myself with how excited I was. As soon as my eyes spotted her I ran to her and jumped on her. She totally caught me and she almost fell backwards. We kissed against the giant glass windows for so long that when we began to walk to the car I felt dizzy and almost passed out. My smile felt permanent. I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried.

We only had a couple of hours until her mom got home from work but we spent the whole time in her bedroom vacillating between talking and laughing and making out. It felt so right to be in her room again. Being under her covers though was just so different. It was almost like everything was heightened in her room, all that unspoken sexual tension amongst all those memories in that space.

I actually got close to begging her to just fuck me back then. Somehow though I couldn't will myself to ask. Instead I felt needy and sweaty and horny as hell and pretty much powerless to help myself.

Farrah came home and we spent a few hours out at Amy's favorite restaurant. Lauren met us there and Amy told us a lot of weird stories about the girls and the shows and the weird places they had been.

We got a booth there and I spent almost the whole dinner laying against her while she spoke. It felt like heaven to be able to just do that, you have no idea. Farrah and Lauren seemed used to us. And it really wasn't much different than the stuff we used to do before we were faking it.

Amy convinced her mom that she was tired from the flight and we finally got some alone time after that behind a safe locked door.

She got us both pj's from her dresser and I helped her slowly undress, cherishing her bit by bit.

When she reached for her pj's I stopped her.

"Don't," I said, unzipping my dress and allowing it to drop to the floor. "I want to feel you," I said.

I took my bra off slowly.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"I need to," I said, swallowing a nervous lump down my throat. I'd been wanting to feel her naked body on mine ever since the last time that we tried. I thought about it so much it was almost all I could think about in the time she was away. "Come on," I said.

I pushed the covers over and intimidated her into lying down. To my surprise she sat down instead, placing her back against the wall so that I'd have to decide what I wanted and show it to her.

I crawled onto her, straddling her legs. In nothing but our underwear it felt intimate and sexy to be sitting on her this way. Her hands came up and she pulled me into her and kissed me like she had done before back in Tahoe. She was so good at taking control and getting me to completely lose myself. My hands dropped and I whimpered into the kiss. Since my legs were spread I felt how wet I was at my center, how much I wanted for her to touch me in that place where only Liam had been.

"Do you think your mom knows?" I asked.

"I dunno," she said. "But she'll know soon enough," Amy smiled. I felt her hands moving my hair away from my face. We'd already told each other how much we missed each other but I really felt like saying it again. "What's wrong?" She asked, probably noticing.

"I keep thinking about how little time we have," I said.

"Karma," she sighed in frustration. "We have so much time, it's not even funny."

"Two days Amy. We have two days before you're on a plane."

"Can we pretend that just isn't happening?" She asked.

I rest my body into hers and let out a pained sigh. She rubbed my back with both of her hands and hummed near my ear. When she held me I was hers.

"I thought you said you liked that I was doing this trip?" Amy said absentmindedly.

"I do," I said. "It's the whole being without you thing that I can't stand."

"You already have lifeguard experience," she said. "Can't you just come back with me?"

The thought of a road trip vacation together made my heart ache even more. So many different rooms and different beds. No families to break us apart. No people around to call us out on being too intimate or too together.

"I was trying to save up for school," I said. But that wasn't the only reason. "I thought if I made enough money my parents wouldn't have to worry about little things throughout the year like clothes or school supplies or my food."

"Well, maybe you can play outside our gigs. How much are you really making at the pool anyway? Have you ever tried busking?"

Amy knew that I'd done some busking before. But I was like 9 at the time. A lot had changed. I started to laugh.

"You've gotten so much better since you were little," she sensed my thoughts, my memories, since they were hers as well. "And you're beautiful," she reminded, pulling her head back so that she could stare at me again.

"Would you really want me crashing your tour though? I mean, the whole point was to give us both some well-needed space."

I realized I was saying that while on top of her. I looked down at my body and noticed how naked I was and it made me smile nervously.

"On the contrary," she smiled. "I want you to come back with me," she swallowed. "I want this every night." I felt her hands at my ass and then rubbing up and down my legs.

Overcome with the sensation of being touched by her, I leaned in and tried to breathe. "I want this too," I said, weak for her, somewhere, deep inside. Her hands trailed up my back again and I felt her lips kissing my breasts. I had put them in her face, it was my own damn fault but it still surprised me and shot cravings down my body from the top of my head to the very tips of my toes.

I moaned and perched up on her and felt as she pulled my body into hers tighter and took my nipple into her mouth and gently sucked.

My whole body froze, it felt way too good and then my body shook with weakness and I pushed myself off of her and laid down next to her on the bed.

"Bad touch?" She teased, staring down at me.

"Uh-uh," I said, shaking my head back and forth and putting a hand over the nipple that she had tugged at. "Good touch," I confirmed, with closed eyes and a feeling of contentment.

She scoot down into the bed and laid onto her side. "You know I never thought that you'd be the one who was sensitive when it came to this sort of stuff."

"Are you saying you're not?" I asked, curiously. I'd been so focused on my own pleasure I forgot to think about what my doing things to her could really do.

I moved my hand to her side and slowly trailed my fingers along it, watching as her body twitched.

"Do you want me to do things?" I asked, my eyes trying to find her own but hers were closed. I mean, just because I was too sensitive to go there, so soon, that didn't mean that she had to wait and feel this agony every night if she wanted more.

I'd done things with Liam, things that didn't involve little Liam pushing his way inside me uncomfortably and repeatedly.

I moved my hand down between Amy's legs and rubbed my fingers over her center. I watched her face just to see. She closed her eyes and breathed in nervously as I rubbed her ever so slightly just there.

My heart sped.

"Now who's sensitive," I asked, touching on her own weakness and noticing how easily it could be found. A nervous smile twitched up on her lips.

I rubbed her again and watched how her face changed as I did it. With every small brush of my fingers she seemed more and more overcome and overtaken.

I realized instantly that I loved it. I loved that I could do that to her. I moved my body closer to hers and pulled her to lay ontop of me. I needed to be kissing her, forcing her to kiss me like I wanted her too. I wrapped my leg around her body and kept on touching and kissing her, kept her wanting me like I wanted her too. It felt better once I was on my back. It felt better with her trapping me and at the same time surrendering to me.

As I rubbed her again, I pushed harder, forcing more pressure there, as she whimpered in my mouth.

"Is this what you want?" I asked, feeling her erect nipples against my skin and the way she couldn't even speak let alone answer a question no matter how simple. I kissed her again. She had to breathe so our faces broke apart. She tried to gasp but I had her needing me so I kept teasing and felt as her entire body felt sweaty and shook.

Taking a page from her book, I licked at her neck as I touched her.

Her hands came beside me on the mattress as she braced herself from the pressure and tried to calm down.

I was suddenly sick of not feeling her, I slid my hand inside and felt, she was so wet and so warm.

The second I touched her though, really touched her, she burst and came right onto my hand.

I heard her squeak out an awkward sound near my ear. I felt her whole body tense and shake.

Hot liquid rushed over my fingers.

I hummed in her ear and I knew she had cum.

I laid there trying to calm down.

I pulled my hand back up her body to wipe it off so I could hold her.

I hadn't even done much to her really but she felt it all way too much.

We were so alike I wanted to laugh.

But then I felt her ontop of me, felt her body as she tried to come down from her high.

"I love you," I said.

She breathed heavily before kissing my neck and finding my lips with her own and kissing them too.

As she hummed in my mouth I knew she loved me too.

There would be no more lonely summer days of me sitting up on a stand and watching as people swam back and forth endlessly.

I was going to go away with her. I knew it right then and there.

Later, after she calmed quite a bit, we were laying still and trying not to touch each other too much for fear of exhaustion.

"You still awake?" She asked dreamily.

"Mmmhmm," I said. My head was on her chest and I was loosely holding her and trying hard not to move.

"Did I ever tell you about my Lifeguard dream?" She asked.

I leaned back onto my side and held my head up with my hand. "You did not," I smiled, wishing she had. I tugged at her underwear just to tease. I wondered if her dream was about any lifeguard or if maybe perhaps it was about me.

"It was a long time ago," she smiled nervously. "I dreamed that you saved me at the pool."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she said, turning onto her side to face me. "Only, instead of giving me cpr you just started to kiss me."

I laughed. "You're ridiculous," I said.

"It was stupid, I know," she was embarrassed.

"It's not stupid," I smiled, pulling her in to kiss me again. "I would do anything to save you," I teased but it was true. "When'd you dream that?" I needed to know.

"It was that first time I saw you in that suit," she said.

"So, the day before…"

"The night you kissed me again," she confirmed it.

"Oh Amy…" I'd put her through so fucking much.

"You read my diary. You knew I had that thing for that lifeguard last summer… And there you were in front of me in that suit asking me how you looked… It just all felt… I dunno...:"

"Intentional," I confirmed. I was starting to think that my subconscious knew I wanted her all along.

"Yeah," she laughed. I could tell she didn't want to ask me if I knew. Did I know what I was doing? I wish I had. I really didn't.

"Amy, I didn't know. I didn't think-"

"It's okay," she said. "I just. I thought I was beyond hoping and then…"

"I'm glad you waited," I said. I didn't deserve for her to still be ready to try.

She leaned over me and kissed my forehead. "I tried not to," she said. "But I already loved you and I couldn't stop."

No matter what we did we still ended up like this. We both tried only I didn't know what I was trying for until it had already been done. Then I knew I'd done all wrong.

I could only think of that for too long before returning to Amy's dream.

"Wait here," I said. "Close your eyes."

I walked to my bag and unzipped it, pulling a dry Lifeguarding suit from the front pouch and putting it on. I walked to the mirror and saw my reflection. With my hair down I looked too thin, too tan, and too shaky, I knew she was right, I had changed. Then I caught the reflection of Amy laying behind me all still and patient like some dreamy Snow White.

I crawled ontop of her and placed two fingers to her lips. "Okay, open," I said.

Her eyes fluttered open to meet mine and I watched her breath leave her.

"Look down," I said.

Her eyes looked and I saw the smile as she rolled her eyes and moved her hand to her forehead.

"Oh fuck," she said. I couldn't help myself smiling too.

"Look at me," I said. She wasn't crazy. She wasn't crazy at all. "You save me every single day," I needed her to know. My eyes stared at hers and then they shifted down to her lips and I knew I wanted to kiss her like this, just like in her dream. Her hands came up and held at my waist as I dipped down and tasted her, feeling her body beneath me and her hands scooping down the slope of my ass and pulling me into her close.

"I don't deserve you," she said, sitting up and holding me better.

"Bullshit." I kissed her again, pushing my center into her stomach and knowing I wanted her more than I ever had or ever could.

When Amy kissed me my whole world just made perfect sense and everything felt right. There was nothing about her I didn't adore.

"I wanna taste you," I said nervously as she held me to her and I felt her body breathing and rubbing up against my own.

"I think we should wait," she said.

"You're probably right…" But I wanted to...

"I want to taste you too," she said. "I've wanted to taste you for months but I felt-"

"Shhh…" I hushed her. I understood. "What else did we do in your dream?" I wanted to know.

She moved her hand to the strap of my suit and began to pull it down. Then she did the same to the other strap, all the while staring and watching me.

For whatever reason being undressed this way felt ten times as hot.

I felt her mouth on my breast again and gasped, my whole body screaming because it wanted her.

I dunno if she knew or what, but she surprised me. I felt her fingers push down the front of my center and push the bottom of my suit aside just there as she gently tucked two of her fingers inside of me, so sly. I was so wet, she had no trouble at all and just as I knew I wouldn't, I didn't have time to say _**stop**_.

"OH MY GOD-" I said, paralyzed.

"Should I stop?" She asked, watching me.

"NO-" I breathed out, a short hard breath, nothing more. I couldn't breathe.

I moved up on her just a bit and pushed my center more into her hand. A hard shot went right through me like a lightning bolt.

It was too much already, I was already shocked and cumming and all she'd done was touch me once.

As I felt her inside I felt my own body pushing down into her and forcing her to stay.

"You're so tight," she said, surprisingly me.

Between the unexpected pressure and her words, my entire body tensed as I moved up just an inch and fell down into her hand once more.

I saw white behind my eyes. I tried to scream but no noise would come.

"Oh my god, Karma," I heard Amy said.

When I came I came hard. I felt I couldn't breathe for over a minute. She pushed inside and there was so much pressure but it was right.

And then I fell and let out a small cry which I muffled right into the pillow.

"Holy shit," I heard her say nervously. "Fuck."

"You cheated," I felt too good though to really be upset.

"Sorry," she lied.

"Uhhh-" I let out a long moan.

Amy tugged at my suit while I laid on her, trapping her still. She managed to pull it down to my waist and I smiled into her shoulder once I'd finally gasped enough to regain a bit of control.

"I hate you," I said, coming down.

"No you don't," she laughed.

I'd gotten a taste and I already wanted her again.

"Was it bad?" She asked sweetly.

"Are you kidding?" I pushed up and kissed her sloppily. How ridiculous. Of course it was good. She touched me for like two seconds and I came. I never came with Liam ever. I always faked it and we spent hours doing weird fucking things. But I wasn't going to tell her all that right now. In fact, I wished I wasn't even thinking it.

I moved my body on hers and knew I was weak for her and wanting her again. I'd have her inside me before the night was through. I had to resist the urge to force her to touch me again.

And we'd taste each other, we would. Tonight it was right. Tonight it was good.

But I couldn't stop kissing her. I couldn't stop knowing that this was everything, that for once nothing was a show or an act or a mistake or a regret.

"Remind me to fuck you more often," she joked once I finally broke away and let her breathe.

"I will," I said. I already needed her more tonight and I wondered if she knew.

"What are you thinking?" She asked.

"I'm going with you when you leave," I answered matter-of-factly. "I want you too much. If you leave I'll go insane."

"Okay," she laughed. "Come with me then. I want you to."

"Really?" If she said no, if I even felt that she didn't want me to go, I'd stay.

"Of course," she said.

"Okay," I let my mind rest at last.

We rest like that a long while before I started to nip at her again and want for her lips and her tongue and her body in my hands.

I knew that the night would contain little to no sleep but knowing I was leaving with her helped me to calm.

She ran her fingers through my hair and held me while I listened to her heart beating.

"I never came with him," I said. I needed her to know.

I felt her arms pull me up and hug me. She didn't speak and I understood why. There was nothing she could say that wouldn't include an apology she never needed to give.

"I love you," she said. It was the perfect response.

"I know," I said. "I love you too."

Despite my insistence that we would probably never sleep, we actually did...


End file.
